Saturday, August 18, 2007

A 'blah' kind of day.

Right now, I'm sitting at the kitchen table writing, drinking coffee and listening to my 18 month old babble. Life continues for us, and I have to figure out where my strength is because I have a family to take care of! Jesse's 18 month old well visit was Thursday, 3 shots, lots of talking with the doctor, and finding out that he's 'slightly' underweight for his age... the doctor seemed to be less concerned with the weight then me. I guess when he told me his percentile I just hear it as I'm not doing something right. Genetically he has my history of skinniness (is that a word??) to live up to! I guess I shouldn't worry, he's meeting all other developmental milestones and the doctor SAID not to worry... but I will keep a close eye on things anyway, just because that's what I do! ---break in blogging, thank goodness I saved this. Our power was out from 815am until appx 6pm, due to an accident, and according to Duke Power - 2 accidents. Appx 8000 customers without power in my area. The temp. in the house reached 80 and Jesse was in a diaper only, we 'tried' to nap - that didn't really work out... back to my thoughts... A general update on me that I really don't discuss in general! I have had potential cancer scares now for over 5 years, and have had biopsies each 3 months to determine my status; for 5 years I've had this monkey on my back and I've wondered whether I'd be told 'it's cancer' each time I had a test done. I had 3 tests done during my pregnancy, that easily could have effected my pregnancy, but they didn't cause any complications until delivery. I have Lupus symptoms down the chart, but because it's not full blown they don't call it 'lupus' yet. I still managed to have a healthy pregnancy and a baby without a heart block due to lupus complications. I get the phone call on August 3rd (Friday) from my nurse's at the OB/Gyn office about the new test results - and I sit on pins and needles... they call and tell me that I am IN THE CLEAR (for now)for the first time in 5 years. I didn't believe it - I even asked her to verify my ssn, my date of birth, and my full name to make sure they had the charts right. I was in the clear!!! I called in this order, husband, Mike, and parents. I'm constantly finding myself in a daze, wondering if all of this is real or if I'm in a bad dream... My phone doesn't ring nearly enough; I'm so used to having at least 2,3 calls a day from Mike during the work week and it's lonely without that. We both work for ourselves, and we both could be very flexible with phone calls - so losing that connection to his everyday life has really left me feeling like I got short changed. It's selfish isn't it?!? I keep asking WHY? I know I'll get my answers ONE day; but I guess the human in me just wants them NOW, and even IF I had them - I wouldn't be satisfied, because I wouldn't agree... My birthday was August 5, and I had been given the best gift in the world - being in the clear, for now with my health! My brother called me on August 5, 9am - my first phone call for my birthday. Our joke - "I got you the same thing I got you last year.... nothing!!" we both felt that gifts were a bit trivial at this point in life, that a card is nice, a gift is nice, but actually putting forth the effort to call - that's really meaningful. So we talked, we talked and then we talked again Monday August 6. I NEVER saw his death coming, just when you think everything is beginning to fall into place something tragic happens. I can say this - my brother, if he had any thoughts prior to his passing, knew he was loved. Right now, that's my peace, knowing that he KNEW he was loved, we had a terrific bond, his kids are absolutely amazing, and each person he met was lucky to meet such a man.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Life changes forever...

I can't even begin to express emotion right now; but I needed to document this somehow. We've lost a treasure, my brother, my friend, a father, a son, an uncle. My brother passed away on Monday, August 6, 2007 and it was very unexpected and has left us all in utter shock and sorrow. There are no words to describe how special he was and will always be to me. We talked each day! How proud I am to have been able to just call him, or hear from him each day and know the 'little things'. We had so much fun talking about life, kids, and just 'stuff' as he'd put it. I will write a special page all about him someday soon. I am so sad that Jesse will never know his Uncle Mike the way I had hoped for him too. Jesse is so small that he won't even remember the times they have shared together. I know that some of my close friends and family read this from time to time, so I will ask that each of you pray for Mike's children - they have a lifelong journey without their father. Those shoes can never be filled, Mike was a very involved father and spent every second with them that he had when he wasn't working. Haleigh is 9, Nicholas is 15. Please remember them in your prayers.
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