Acceptance

One night this past week I received a phone call from both my niece and nephew - on the same night... but separately. Both were going through something. My nephew more a problem that he needed to vent about, and had my brother been here on this earth - I fully believe he'd have called him to blow off steam. My niece cried to me on and off for about 1 hour on the phone talking about how she had went to her daddy's grave to talk to him, and how it wasn't fair that all the daddies who give up their kids, beat their kids, and don't care about their kids are still in this world... and how unfair it is that HER daddy DID love her, DID take really good care of her, and how he woke up EVERY day and put family first - how unfair it is that he had to die. She's going into 6th grade and my brother ALWAYS made a huge deal about school with her, and she's having a very difficult time right now with everything. She's having a REALLY hard time accepting it. Who could blame her?

I'm having a difficult time too, it was hard to hear the sadness and frustration in their voices. I listened to her cry, and listened to my nephew vent and thought to myself how very unfair it does all seem. We've been shorted, those kids have been shorted, and even though I know there's a purpose for everything in this life - that doesn't make it hurt less, nor does it make any sense on the "why". How do you answer "why my daddy??" to a little girl who longs for her fathers hug, scruffy face after a long day at work... you can't do anything but simply say "honey, I don't understand either, and you're right it's NOT fair." Saying that over and over, does NOT make the hurt go away - not for her, or for me. I find some peace in telling her that God must have REALLY needed some SERIOUS manpower up there... because my brother IS the man for THAT job. Even THAT, does NOT make the pain go away. I'm human, and so is she. Pain is real, and I'm not going to pretend it's not there. Simply put - I am not happy about it, and I don't like it!! But I have to accept it...

We're rounding the corner to a two year anniversary of his death.... but saying 'anniversary of his death' just sounds out of place to me, sounds heartless. It's not a party kind of day, and when I think anniversary I think party, cards, balloons, etc. So, two years and I'm not ready to shut up about it, I'm not ready to quit blogging about it, I'm not ready to stop posting that same TIRED picture I keep posting because it captures in one expression exactly who my brother is/was/always will be to me... I'm not ready to quit being angry, sad, upset, hurt, torn, stressed, overwhelmed, broken down, beat up, ripped apart, confused, lost, melancholy, depressed at times, empty, and overall - just down right crushed. I'm not ready to say "it's getting easier" because that's a lie. I'm not ready to say "I'm at peace" because that's a lie. and I'm pretty sure neither of those kids are either.... same goes for the rest of my family. But we have to accept it...

Robert Frost - Acceptance
When the spent sun throws up its rays on cloud
And goes down burning into the gulf below,
No voice in nature is heard to cry aloud
At what has happened. Birds, at least must know
It is the change to darkness in the sky.
Murmuring something quiet in her breast,
One bird begins to close a faded eye;
Or overtaken too far from his nest,
Hurrying low above the grove, some waif
Swoops just in time to his remembered tree.
At most he thinks or twitters softly, 'Safe!
Now let the night be dark for all of me.
Let the night bee too dark for me to see
Into the future. Let what will be, be.'