Wordfull Wednesday - Just for this morning...

A friend recently sent me the below writing, and it made for a wonderful wordful Wednesday. Something that has stuck with me, and I'm so grateful that someone put this into words so well!

*Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

*Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

*Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

*Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.

*Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

*From now own, when I let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

*Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

*Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

*I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

*Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

*Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

*From now own, when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

*I will think about the mothers And fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

*And everynight, when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more day..............

it's kindof hokey....

.... but we couldn't resist! We took this pic on our last stop before heading home from the beach. The better camera was tucked away in the car, so I grabbed the one I keep in my purse and we just couldn't go by one of these without stopping. Not to mention - Ben & Jerrys happens to be my FAVORITE icecream of all time. Especially Cherry Garcia, mmmm yum...

The summer is here, and I've been a slacker all around lately with posting AND with keeping up with friends on the web. Just trying to enjoy the summer, the kids, and life in general...

.....oh, and I've also been busy killing spiders. eek. Maybe I'll post a picture of one of the black widows I killed... or would that be too creepy?? I'm betting my dad will hope I don't do that!!!

oh my those are huge!!

Just rummaging through the photos from when we went to the lazy 5 ranch on Mothers Day and I ran across this one....

I'm never in pictures, because I'm usually the person taking them, so when the hubs decided to take some pics of me and the boys it didn't turn as well as planned.... I should post the entire set of photos that he took during the time at this fence, but this one is just funny to me.... one kid is really worried about the gigantic set of horns coming up after us, the other kid is in some other world, and me - I look like I have a cow horn in my head and of course, I'm in NO way prepared for a photo!!! These are the best kinds of memories for me, absolutely random moments with the kids.

Sure was a big set of horns on that one...

Wordful Wednesday - togetherness with missing pieces

The Past

I grew up surrounded by my Aunts and Uncles for every possible holiday, looked forward to it almost as much as most kids look forward to Christmas gifts. The gatherings and meals were filled with laughter and togetherness. Now that I have a family, and kids of my own - I see the importance of togetherness even more.

I wish I could change alot of things about how "together" my childhood family is now, but I cherish every memory I have. Standing by my Granny V in the kitchen watching her slice homemade lemon pie, and smelling her perfume and thinking of how beautiful she looked after cooking all day in the kitchen, having tea parties on an old tree stump with my Grandpa V. Building forts over and over and over with my cousins. Being at my Granny and Grandpa L's house and thinking that burning leaves or picking up walnuts was the most fun in the world. And at every family gathering, no matter where, listening to the grownups tell funny stories from their younger years always intrigued me. There was depth and it peeked my interest always, and now more then ever I value those days.

The Present

I long for those types of childhood memories for my own kids. There are alot of hoops to jump through to get our family "together" now. I have 5 step sisters, 2 step brothers, 1 brother in law/sister in law, a combination of 16 nieces/nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, one living grandmother. My children have met all of these people only a handful of times, and I'm ashamed to say - some have never even met little J - but all have met big E. For such a large family we get together very little. It's no one's fault in particular, it's just how it is, schedules, jobs, out of state, etc. I missed Christmas with 1/2 of my family this year, and I'm still not ok with it. Not only did we miss Christmas with MY family, we missed it with my husbands brother and their family because it was just not financially possible for us to travel there. It is a difficult concept for me, one that I'm ok with adjusting too, but I will say - difficult.

I'm not ok with saying that the last time I saw some of my family was at my brothers funeral - almost 2 years ago. I'm unsettled that I'm partially at fault, because I should be more aggressive at keeping those family ties strong. I need my kids to know where they came from, and I'm in a fortunate position to offer them more then just pictures and conversation, I can actually take them to people. I'm not above admitting that I can, and should have done something about this by now - in fact, I take full accountability. It really shouldn't be so complicated, life has become too "busy" these days, I don't remember life being so busy when I was little, family time came so easy it seemed. Either my parents were super hero's, or they just weren't sidetracked by technology, phone calls, jobs, etc., there was always room for family time. I already know the answer to that - they were super hero's.

Disconnected

It's no secret to anyone who really knows me that I had a lasting bond with my brother Mike. I do have another brother, and we're not as close now as we were as children. Our lives have taken different directions unfortunately, and we see each other very little. My oldest brother Michael who passed away 08.06.07 barely got to know little J. I remember when the below picture was taken, afterwards he spent the entire afternoon bonding with little J. By the end of the evening little J was sitting on his lap as the most content little toddler in the world, having skipped two naps. He was 100% his Uncle Mike's best boy that day. Tears roll down my face in remembering how we had dinner that evening, and Uncle Mike held little J (then just 1.5 years old) and shared bites of food with him, swapping drool and giggles with him as if he were his own. I lay awake at night and think about the "what if's"... What if I could call Michael today and tell him how big E is doing in school, how he's growing up, how he's becoming a tweenager, and how little J is learning, growing, and changing. I feel robbed, and then I throw my pity party... until something like THIS slaps me in the face to remind me that I had 31 GREAT years with my brother.

As an adult, and mom, I'm beginning to realize that no matter how good your intentions are, you can't always build a bond with the people in your life that you long to do so with. Sometimes you just have what you have, and you must be content with it.

Powerful Moments

Recently, my husbands brother and entire family came to visit. I am still learning new things about them, and enjoy any time I get to spend with them. I love listening to other peoples "stories". I'm grateful that my sister in law posts often to her blog about family, events, updates, etc., I've learned alot that way about the family that I married into! When my husband and I met and we were getting to know each other, I thought it was interesting that we both had a brother named Michael. The kids nicknamed his brother Uncle Mikey, and my brother was Uncle Mike.

I found myself feeling sad and happy while they visited, in watching my husbands eagerness while we waited on them to arrive for dinner when we met the day they got here, he couldn't wait to see his brother, and also because of little J's attachment to Uncle Mikey during the week they visited. Big E is/was old enough to know and remember my brother, but little J will not ever actually remember him. So, there was an emotion for me each time I saw little J with Uncle Mikey. The feeling was joy and sadness at the same time. Joy that our youngest had the opportunity to love, touch, and have "in your face" time with his Uncle Mikey. Sadness that I'll never get to see what that would have been like with my brother. I excused myself often, and tried my best not to let my emotions get the best of me. There were a few times that I had to sit by myself and remind myself that I'm not the first person to ever lose a sibling, I'm not alone with those feelings. It was ok to be a little sad... in fact, at times I felt sorry for myself, and threw mini pity parties along the way. I did that privately.

The Future

I plan to do better, to provide my kids with more insight about where they come from, sharing their family history with them as my parents did when I grew up, and I hope that I can keep my brothers memory alive enough for little J that he can know what kind of Uncle he was, and would have been.

In memory of my brother and my step-mom, I'm hoping in the next few weeks to have some photos to put up of a project I've planned. A peace garden of sorts that will be in their honor. Our kids lost a grandma, and uncle all in 2 years time, and I want to have a happy place to reflect on memories with them.

I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me but I find I am grateful for having loved them.

The gratitude has finally conquered the loss.

Author:Rita Mae Brown

Wordful Wednesday - The Boyz

I'm participating in Wordful Wednesday today.... Seven Clown Circus hosted a link to Wordful Wed., and I have enjoyed looking at alot of the photos submitted... there's a TON! Go check it out HERE if you'd like!

My WordLESS Wednesday (which was recently a flashback on this blog...) is posted HERE. I'm a picture junkie I suppose. Well, that and I like looking at other peoples photos!!

I took this picture about 4 or 5 months ago when the boys were romping around in the 'fun room' .... they like to race hotwheels, and just hang out. Little J absolutely LOVES it when big E hangs w/ him. Their age difference can be challenging at times (7.5 years apart) but in the last few months little J has become a major hotwheels fan and this works for the good of 'hang out' time! I love the simple happiness in their faces in this one... I just wish I'd have taken it with the better camera :) HA.

Wordful Wednesday - I am grateful

I love the format that Cocoa used, so I'm following her lead...

A few things I am grateful for...

I am grateful for having kids who are sick with colds... because there are many parents out there with kids who are sick with much worse then colds and their children may never be healed while here on earth.

A job, I'm grateful that as of now, both my husband and I are employed. We're very grateful for that.
Memories of my brother and stepmom. They've both passed on recently, and I'm thankful to have wonderful memories of the both of them to warm my heart during the holidays.

Grateful that I'm able to stay home with my children, for now. I've been fortunate enough to work from home, and it's been a blessing in disguise.
Running in the leaves with my kids at the park. We don't have alot of trees in our yard, really only one that produced some leaves to play in... but it is a blast to let go of my responsibilities and just run and lay in leaves with the kids.
A husband who's alive. There are many widows and widowers this holiday season. I'm so very aware of how quickly that I could have been a widow.
Twinkle twinkle little star, and Are You Sleeping Brother John... both of which the toddler sings to mommy, daddy and his brother everynight before bed while I hold him in my lap in the rocker in his room...
E. I'm grateful for big E. Soon after marrying my hubby, big E moved in with us permanently. His biological mother has her own agenda, and has not called or written in over 4 years. Big E has taught me alot about parenting and myself. I'm a better person for being his mom.
Friends. Both near and far... old friends and new friends...although I may not get to see my dearest friends as often as I like because of distance, I am grateful to be able to talk with them weekly on the Internet, or by email or phone.
Unusual circumstances. It's a joke between my husband and I that we almost always find ourselves in unusual circumstances... his heart attack that happened in a doctors office taking a stress test (all he went in for was shortness of breath after helping a friend move!), some situations with big E's biological mother, family circumstances in general, my strange auto-immune issues, pregnancy only 4 months after his heart surgery (unplanned, and what a blessing), and many many more little things that have grown us as people, parents and partners in life.
Living in the USA. Even with the state of the economy, the uncertainty of where we'll go as a nation financially.... we're sooooo fortunate to have our freedom, the luxuries we have are plentiful in spite of all that this nation is going through. Many days I forget how lucky we are. Today I read about a family in Haiti, who survive off of 100.00 a YEAR, who can't afford to send their kids to school for an education which costs roughly 250.00 per year, who's children work in trade for food, and clothing. Who's mother has died from the toll of starvation and childbirth, her body wasn't healthy. We are BLESSED to have each other, the freedom we have, this life we live.