a special picnic

Special picnics with little J...

he decided to make me a special "salad pie".

There's a special way to smash it down, just in case you ever need to have this recipe. It requires alot of love.

Once you're done smashing it just right, you add the salad (grass).

Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!
~Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Thinks You Can Think!<>

it's a hard knock life...or is it?

Whatever hit me last Thursday night seems to have been some really funked up intestinal issues along with a crazy onset of random anxiety. I'll be honest, when I felt the cramping (which happened WAY before any anxiety) I instantly freaked out. I've never been a hypochondriac in my life and this really took me (and everyone who is close to me) by surprise. I began (and still often think about it) wondering about my own mortality, and thinking about my stepmom and her battle with cancer. I started getting documents in order, doing things in panic, worrying about things that I've NEVER even given second thought too.... like, how will my 3yo feel if mommy isn't here, how will he understand if something terribly bad happens to me? He's only 3 and depends on me so much.... I worried about how much I'd miss in this life, how this and how that.... what if's were tormenting me. And that is NOT me!!! Anyone who REALLY knows ME, knows that I'm not a pessimistic, negative, morbid thinking person at all.

Up and down I went, back and forth on this crazy roller coaster of emotions, and physical body aches. I felt like I didn't want to be left alone, I needed my husband with me at all times. NO ONE in my immediate circle of friends, and NO ONE in my family could understand or "get" what was/is going on. My brother Chris has called me 7-10 times per day, because in our entire life he said I'd been steady as a rock in this crazy and often chaotic life. Even told me that he often thought of me as the one who really looked at things clearly and positively even when things were REALLY crappy. My dad came to visit me, my mom came to visit me, I'm sure my husband called his family and told them his wife was going through some REALLY strange stuff...

The pains??? They're gone. And do I feel like a new woman YES. I will be honest, the doctor prescribed Celexa for general depression and Klonopin for anxiety and panic attacks... which I'd NEVER had before and WOW that's a situation I never want to be in again. Do I think I suffer from depression, given the last 5 years and some very recent upsets - yes probably so. After talking to the doctor EVERY DAY for 4 days, and she and the nurses all seem to think it sounded like GAD but that doesn't just hit you like a ton of bricks, that's a slow progressing disorder that occurs over a period of time.... so I guess I'm a freakshow. Today - I feel like me. Yesterday I felt like me. And being honest?? I did NOT take more then 3 days of the Celexa because I was in the bathroom WAY too often with that medication. I will see her again in 2 weeks for labwork and she said she'd review my lab work before deciding on another course of treatment with SSRI's, mom thinks I have a Thyroid disorder since she had 90% of hers removed in her 20's due to Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I did use 1/2 of a .5 Klonopin two times a day for 4 days and, well, if it helped then it helped. But I didn't notice a huge difference.

I talked to a n'bor who told me she had a sudden onset of very strange intestinal concerns, and they lasted a week. Made her very dizzy, faint, weak, and like mine - no fever and no vomiting (sorry, TMI?) etc. Last night, I talked to another friend who's going through the exact same thing. Maybe it's a virus....but it sure got me thinking about my mortality and all of the crappy things that seem to happen to my family and THAT'S where I have to get back on track.

I start counseling next Thursday. About two MONTHS after a sudden change in a personal relationship that I'm grieving over, ONE year after layoffs began (two times now for our household), TWO years after my brothers death, THREE years after my stepmom's death, FOUR years after my husband nearly died, and FIVE years after I nearly lost my dad, SIX years after we fought a huge battle to win custody of big E for his own safety and well being..... I'm going to grief counseling.

Yep - I'ts official, I'm not superwoman (never have been - what a shame??!!), and that I'm human and I need encouragement. So, instead of feeling like the world's often shoving it's foot in my face, I plan to get back to the bassackwardsmom who realizes that when there are upsets in my life, I have to use those opportunities to grow myself and look even harder at ALL of the blessings I have.

Orientation

Thursday of last week, big E and I hopped in the car for a drive out to the Middle School he will attend. While we've tossed the idea around of homeschooling him, we've kept it open for discussion and he really seems interested in experiencing middle school so we're going to give it a go for now. We both agree that in order to give him everything he needs with education, and life skills, we would need to find a really great homeschool co-op group - so we're still researching homeschool groups and how best to deal with that once we come to a complete decision on how this middle school atmosphere works out...with having had him in public school for going on 7 years - we're trying to figure out how 'unlearning' would go??? Oh man it's tough!! Mainly because he WANTS to be with his peers now!! We do plan to homeschool little J for at least pre-K and Kindergarten and see how things go from there. But, we're trying to respect big E's wishes but yesterday when we pulled into the parking lot at the school I'll admit - I almost wanted to vomit. (too much info?? sorry)

The school is 2 stories high, and looks to be larger then the highschool I attended. Immediately I had a pit in my stomach, thinking of our young man walking the halls of this gigantic place with other kids. I'm not sure why I think it's such a scary place, but society today is NOT what it was when I was a tweenager... it looked like a bit of a fashion show at times as we walked the halls - even among the parents.

His classroom is nice, and small. The program he is in is one that creates a smaller group atmosphere for him, so he'll be in classes most of the day with 6-12 kids only, and parts of the day with much larger groups. He seems really excited, and his teachers seemed like genuinely nice people who are eager to educate our big E. Selfishly I dont like the idea of him being there!! Why am I changing so much these days? Drawing my mind closer to how society really does impress it's ways upon our children, and how in the 'old days' the village was not at all like society today is. Values changed along the way, and what was important then, is not at all important now. Why do two police officers need to be assigned to almost all schools in the district? I'm not a hippie flyin my freak flag over here, but what's wrong with this picture??? Soda machines when you walk in the front door, police cars, and 'lock down' drills for the potential threat of school shootings or worse.

Maybe I need a reality dose, and maybe I am a hippie - who knows. I enjoy relaxed days, where my kids learn by playing or observing or reading. Summer has been filled with learning, more then I thought and big J and I both have started to see that just a few little things we did this summer have stuck with both of our boys for learning.... oh - I'm so lost. I've been battling this for 2 years in my head. What's kept us from stopping public schooling for our oldest is that he suddenly began to WANT to go to school (whereas he used to cry when we went and when he came home) and he began to ENJOY the learning program that is set up for his individual needs. We're giving it 1 semester and then we're going to discuss it with him again...

Lesson I'm learning = An educational system isn't worth a great deal if it teaches young people how to make a living but doesn't teach them how to make a life. ~Author Unknown

soulemama lovin

I have been a reader at soulemama.com for around 2 years now, and I'm just in awe of her craftiness!! I've snatched a few of her ideas up for our home here and there, such as the nature table, and some cardboard creations for the kiddo's. Then when her first book The Creative Family: How to Encourage Imagination and Nurture Family Connections
published, I was on board instantly and was SO excited when it arrived in my mailbox!!! That book has been such a handy guide to easy creative ideas that honestly, I would have never even thought of!

So.... when I saw that she had a new book in the making, I signed up for Amazon.com pre-order and this week my book order arrived!! I was surprised when our mail (which was held for 3 days) arrived and this was in the mix!! Handmade Home: Simple Ways to Repurpose Old Materials into New Family Treasures looks like SO much fun!!! I am eager to tackle Brandie's Book and the letter satchels!

I can not wait to dive in and try some of these ideas! I've never been really into sewing, but have always wanted to give it a shot. I did sew some as a child with my mom, and a little here and there by hand as an adult. Never anything to write home about though. I love fabrics, and patterns, and this book has all the right stuff for someone like me who's green at it!!

**LLYWD list = learn to sew.... I'm gonna dive in and learn, maybe it'll turn out terrible but who knows??? You only live once :-)

LLYWD - one step at a time

A new path...
My mom bought me a book for my birthday, it's filled with quotations, interviews with some random people, statements, and biblical references about how you should let go, and love, accept, and forgive and forget. It couldn't have come at a more appropriate time in my life. Lately, I'm sitting around wondering "what is THAT about???" or "WHY and what GIVES??" about many things in this crazy life of ours. I have to LET GO, let go of the 'what if's' about this life and what's gone on in it. I LET IT GO. Laying my burdens down. I want to live like I am dying (because in all reality - we ALL are, someday)... One of my favorite excerpts about life from the book I received: Live: With passion and purpose, and mission and meaning and with a little wild abandon. With no forgiveness withheld and no anger held within. I just want to live life with my husband, love him and my family, and be happy while watching these two boys of ours grow into men.

I'm going to try to journal my "bucket list". But it's not really a huge deal bucket list, so I'm calling my list the LLYWD list. (live like you were dying) It's really nothing spectacular or over the top (yet!) - but it's mine ;).

One thing on my list is to take a vacation on a COMPLETE WHIM. And we're going next week ;-). I sat here just now, talked to the hubs, and we decided, and we booked it. Dangit - our family deserves a pick me up. Recently, this whole household has felt a downer and it's not fair, so we're gonna reward ourselves with a quick 3 day getaway before school starts back. I've always been a planner, when it comes to things like vacation - but hey, you only live once, right?? Baby steps turned into a giant leap.

letting go...

Looking in another direction
Each time something drastic occurs, we take a new path, my husband and I and our two kids. You can't do anything about what this life hands you by way of tragic events, but you CAN do something about how it affects you. I'm challenging myself, to live like I am dying. To forget about all of the 'wrong' that has been done to me, or my idea of the 'wrong', to realize and embrace differences and accept people for WHO THEY ARE in my life, to FORGIVE & FORGET, FOR LIFE, FOR LOVE, FOREVER. As Charlotte Bronte once said "Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs." I have LET IT GO!! There's no point in holding on to anything that feels "wrong" inside, right??

So I started my own little 'bucket list' after watching two people in my life die in the past 3 years. One KNEW she was dying and showed me what love, forgiveness, and absolute grace looked like while each day stepping closer to her death. She had a hand in planning her funeral, and made it her last wish that during HER funeral, those that were closest to her felt like SHE was there with them. The other had NO IDEA that his day was August 6, 2007. He knew that life was precious, he had a few scares the year before. He did not take one person in his life for granted, he did not let the sun go down on his feelings. At his funeral, the song 'live like you were dying' was played and it's taken me 2 years to really be able to listen to the words. The words have hit me like a ton of bricks this week, as if to say "hey you idiot, get with it, you're not getting any younger by the day!!" My upbringing was that I should not take any day for granted, and that the sun should not go down on our feelings - and some days, and some situations that's easier said then done. I think the saying goes "Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift, That's why it's called the Present"..... it's time to live like we're dying.

on day at a time...

Thinking back
I made an appointment with my regular physician not too long ago and sat down with her for a 1 hour consult. I wondered, do I need medical intervention to help me cope with my feelings of anxiety, and at times feelings of general depression? I haven't felt like 'me' in a very long time. During the last 4 years of our lives, there's been some pretty big stuff. ALL of which has, in its own way, impressed upon me how very fragile this life is and can be...

She asked "what has occurred to make you FEEL different about your life".... I replied, "In 2004 my father had quadruple bypass surgery... also, in 2004 we moved into a new house, a brand new adventure, our first mortgage, and sometime that same year I was told I have Lupus symptoms - likely flared up due to stress. Then in January of 2005 my husband had a sudden heart attack which resulted in triple bypass surgery, 3-4 months later we found out we were pregnant and the pregnancy was high risk due to various circumstances determined by my ob/gyn, but things went very smoothly until delivery... that was a bit of a chaotic situation, but everyone turned out ok in the end. During that pregnancy, my stepmother was diagnosed with a rapid and terminal cancer. She died when my son was 10 months old in 2006. And, then in August of 2007, my brother died. Since then, my husband's been through 2 layoffs with his job, and it sometimes seems like we're paddling upstream." But we've been BLESSED too, little J was born healthy, and after surgery big J is healthy, my dad is healthy, and lots of other things are pure blessings in our lives.

HOLY CRAP she looked at me like I had four heads. Even though I'm POSITIVE there are people with much more then that in their lives, I think she was poorly prepared for what I had to say just by her expression and tears. She offered me her hugs, and her tears, and her tissues. She told me that she was very suprised that I hadn't had serious anxiety, and that some people even have PTSD after some of these events. She gave me a medication to take for 3 months only. I took it for 4 weeks, and ended up feeling even more void then I felt before, so she recommended I come off of it completely and begin deep breathing exercises and try to manage my stress and anxiety on my own as long as it didn't become depression I'd be ok - in her professional opinion. My opinion?? HA. I think I'm a nutjob most of the time....

So - One day at a time....

I haven't been posting alot...

....because I've been reading, about learning and planning...

on how to be better at allowing learning to happen. {I've been learning}

...and because I've opened my mind.

We'll see where this takes us... right now all I know is that it's sure to be a fun filled summer full of little opportunities to learn a little more everyday right here in the community and at home. Even on vacation, both boys were absorbing, and learning...
"Tell me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand."

the boston tea party

Today big E had a tea party in class! They reenacted parts of the Boston Tea Party! He played Captain Hardy, from one of the books they were reading, in the reenactment and was so stoked about it!! He has learned alot during this study course and was super excited when I pulled out my grandmothers tea set. It's a mini tea set, but either way - he was excited!!

The class did a small play, and then afterwards went to another classroom where they were surprised to find tables set up with hot tea, sugar cubes, and honey!! Each table had name cards for them and it was somewhat formal.

conclusion to the art class saga

The teacher called me today. He started off with “I wanted to call and apologize for what happened in art class the other day…” I listened, holding my tongue, he kept referring to saying damn as the ‘incident’. He danced around it saying “the kids were really being defiant, your son and a few others were genuinely doing their work and the majority of the class is always uninterested and always chaotic and it got the best of me”. I let him finish, after he gave me the same story that the principle had suggested that big E be placed in another art class for the remainder of the year I cut in.

I asked a few questions:
Me: “does E do well in your class when it comes to listening?”
Him: “yes”
Me: “does E seem to get it, when you explain what to do, does he seem to understand your instructions and is he able to focus on his assignment?”
Him: “yes, he does a terrific job.”
Me: “does E seem to get frustrated with the chaos?” {{for anyone who knows E this is the ENTIRE reason he’s in THAT school where they have a program specifically designed for helping him learn to get over his frustration by using appropriate words, actions, and learn to move forward}}
Him: “he never seems to be bothered by it, he always works through it”
Me: “ok, then explain to me what the benefit is of moving him, when half the year is over?”
Him: ---speechless---

My point was that if E’s work is not suffering and he isn’t part of the chaos, then how is the teacher saying “damn” E’s problem? Why would we move him and how would we explain to him that he’s a great student but needs to be moved to another class? The teacher was a little put back, and seemed as though he expected me to just agree and say “yep, lets move my kid”… I finally told the teacher “look, I’m human, I say bad words, but I’m also required to be accountable. I understand that teaching 5th graders can’t be all wine and roses all of the time, I’m sure that there are many days with kids who aren’t respectful. But my kid IS being respectful in your class according to you, and I don’t see the benefit in moving him, I do see the need to correct the mishap by apologizing to him and explaining to him that you’re mistake was just that – a mistake, and that you should assure him(and me) that you’re going to do your best to be better at how you handle YOUR frustration.” I also explained that I didn’t plan to apologize on his behalf, that I felt that E deserved that face to face, because that’s what I’d have expected E to do if HE was the one saying the foul word to the teacher.

End result is that all is well with the world, we’re all human and we all make mistakes. The teacher took E aside and apologized, and E was ok with that…

the big bang, and our 3yo

Little J had his gym and music class today. We didn’t get to go last week because of the SNOW but this week it’s 72 degrees for whatever reason!! He had a BLAST!! Remember when THIS happened?? Interestingly enough, today he had another head on collision with the same girl who he had that one with. This time no obvious bruises or black eyes, but GEEZ!!! This time she was sliding down the slide and he decided that sitting and waiting for her at the bottom would be the way to go, before I could get over there to move him (literally 5 seconds) she flew down the slide and their noggins clashed like a bowling ball hits a pin…. Both needed loves from their parents but within 30seconds were on their way to romping around again! Toddlers have hard heads…. that’s my theory.

part II

Well, the principle called me back to tell me that she felt it’d be better for big E to change art classes…I stewed on that for a moment. While she was explaining that “the class has a lot of problems, the students tend to be a little chaotic, I just think he’d benefit more from being in a different class.” After her generous offer, I couldn’t help but think logically and ask “is E getting his work done in the class?, does he seem to suffer from the chaos?” Over ½ of the year has passed, and he’s often told me about the problem students in that class (25 kids, and ONE art teacher) and yet, his artwork comes home completed and he can’t talk more positively about the fun he has doing the projects. The principle couldn’t answer my questions, and told me she’d check into it and call me back. While I understand 25/1 ratio must be challenging for the art teacher, I almost felt like the schools way of resolving the problem was to remove MY kid from the art class… what the freak?!! My kid didn’t cause the “damn” problem…

art letter

While I'm at home w/ the toddler, we do play and learn activities during the day at random. We generally use natural play to cease the moment of learning. One thing we've been doing more (because one particular toddler loves it)is draw in the sand when we're outside, this started out with us just making tracks for the trucks or trains to drive through and it turned into the him making a circle and then an 8 and realizing it and wanting to do more sand shapes. We just went with it, and since then he's shown interest in drawing shapes, letters, and numbers then he tries to copy them.

Today he was so proud to tell me "mommy, look, M!!" I thought he wanted ME to draw a "M"... I came around the corner to see that the Aquadoodle mat was proudly displaying a "M". MAYBE it was pure coincidence, maybe it was unintentional, we DID work on M last week.... who knows. Either way I was so proud for him, because he was so proud for himself!!