on day at a time...

Thinking back
I made an appointment with my regular physician not too long ago and sat down with her for a 1 hour consult. I wondered, do I need medical intervention to help me cope with my feelings of anxiety, and at times feelings of general depression? I haven't felt like 'me' in a very long time. During the last 4 years of our lives, there's been some pretty big stuff. ALL of which has, in its own way, impressed upon me how very fragile this life is and can be...

She asked "what has occurred to make you FEEL different about your life".... I replied, "In 2004 my father had quadruple bypass surgery... also, in 2004 we moved into a new house, a brand new adventure, our first mortgage, and sometime that same year I was told I have Lupus symptoms - likely flared up due to stress. Then in January of 2005 my husband had a sudden heart attack which resulted in triple bypass surgery, 3-4 months later we found out we were pregnant and the pregnancy was high risk due to various circumstances determined by my ob/gyn, but things went very smoothly until delivery... that was a bit of a chaotic situation, but everyone turned out ok in the end. During that pregnancy, my stepmother was diagnosed with a rapid and terminal cancer. She died when my son was 10 months old in 2006. And, then in August of 2007, my brother died. Since then, my husband's been through 2 layoffs with his job, and it sometimes seems like we're paddling upstream." But we've been BLESSED too, little J was born healthy, and after surgery big J is healthy, my dad is healthy, and lots of other things are pure blessings in our lives.

HOLY CRAP she looked at me like I had four heads. Even though I'm POSITIVE there are people with much more then that in their lives, I think she was poorly prepared for what I had to say just by her expression and tears. She offered me her hugs, and her tears, and her tissues. She told me that she was very suprised that I hadn't had serious anxiety, and that some people even have PTSD after some of these events. She gave me a medication to take for 3 months only. I took it for 4 weeks, and ended up feeling even more void then I felt before, so she recommended I come off of it completely and begin deep breathing exercises and try to manage my stress and anxiety on my own as long as it didn't become depression I'd be ok - in her professional opinion. My opinion?? HA. I think I'm a nutjob most of the time....

So - One day at a time....