embracing the chaos

Below is one of my fav's of little J. The expression captures exactly how I feel ALOT of the time!! I haven't been posting alot lately, been in and out of Dr. appt's and recently found that I had some abnormal labs come back. Will post more later, have follow up visit tomorrow. So for now - it's fluff posts, and photos.

I also found my new favorite quote...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author Unknown

Fall Picture Day

We usually don't buy the school pictures, generally because they make you pay before you ever get to see them. Which I think is lame. However, the picture DOES go in the yearbook so looking as cool as possible was the goal today. We did buy the cheapest package for once this year....

This is a picture I took in our dining room right after the hair was finished being spiked and gelled and colored.... What matters most, is that our 6th grader was feelin pretty good about himself for pictures today!!

(yes, his eyes really are that blue... both of my boys and those blue eyes. Lady killers.)

outdoor time

It seems it's been raining on and off for the past 2 weeks, almost every day. One day last week, there was a break in rain, and we took little J to the toddler park near by while big E was at school.

There was even time to sneak in a kiss with mommy...

Stopped to pose for a moment, but with a busy boy it's rare that we're both looking at the camera at the same time!

"Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children." ~Charles R. Swindoll

building stuff

Little J is really into building stuff.... with Lego's. This is what our coffee table looks like most of the day. His creativity is growing, and he's building things that LOOK like things. Did that make sense? He builds submarines, rocket ships, airplanes, towers, bridges, etc. He just loves to build!

This past week we just took it easy, and enjoyed discovering shapes, counting blocks, reviewing colors, sizes, and building different objects.

If we removed all toys from our house, and left Lego's, wooden blocks, and his Thomas the Train set - he wouldn't care one bit.....

show my face

I sent this picture to my dad while he was at the beach, because he's been so concerned about me. I text messaged him so he could see, I even put on a little makeup and smiled today.

I scored a new Blackberry Tour last week, and the camera feature is supposed to be decent on it so I thought I'd try it out on myself. It's rare that I'm in pictures, because I'm the one who's often taking them! I usually don't leave home w/o the DSLR or the little Nikon S700 - but today, I took a quick snapshot and figured I'd do something rare and show my face on here.

Little J and I had a birthday party to go to and I thought it was time to quit looking like total poo and get my butt in gear for once. So - I halfway did makeup and hair, so now you have a face to go with my blog posts.

alot to say....

Whatever it is, it hurts...

Doctor is calling it an ulcer for now, and it hurts like crazy. They've almost ruled out gall bladder, ultrasound showed no stones, but because of my symptoms, I may have to go for another test on that. They took all of my blood (well, not literally) but I'm waiting on that to come back... I take lots of meds all day. I just want to be healthy, for my family, and for my sanity. If you're a praying person, then send some up please.... and for those of you who don't pray, I'll ask again that you do whatever you do when someone needs that extra bit of hope and encouragement...

Thanks

Thanks to my husband for being patient with me, and being a good dad and making sure my kids are happy all while mommy's sick. Thanks to the friend who sent me the card last week telling me she was pulling for me. Thanks to the friend who puts up with my whininess (is that a word? and if it is, is it spelled right?) on the Internet then phone, and even dealt with my bit&hiness. Thanks to my friend who "gets it" when it comes to my panic, and keeps me focused during the day with tweets and texts. Thanks to the friend who drove from her house tonight just to make sure I was ok, while her babies were at home with their gma watching over them while they slept. Thanks to my mom, for driving 2.5 hours at 5am to my house un-announced 3 times in the past 2 weeks to arrive in time to ride with me to take the kid to school, all to let me cry on her shoulder because I have no idea what's going on inside of me. Thanks to mom for also sitting with me while I was at a hospital having tests ran, because the doctors are trying to figure out what's going on... Thanks to my dad who's sat with me at the doctors office just like I was a little kid who needed their daddy.... because I did need him -and I needed him to reassure me that I wasn't crazy AND my doctor that I've never been a hypochondriac!! Thanks to both mom and dad, for tolerating my constant calls - and realizing that for once in my life I actually DO need them (until now I their was super independent daughter). Thanks to my brother, who has called multiple times every day for the past 3 weeks, just to check in on me. Thanks to my aunts and uncles who send me emails and prayers. Thanks to my mother in law and father in law for indulging my tearful moments. Thanks to the friend who I haven't seen in YEARS for offering up her husband to come over and baby sit because he just happens to work in my town....and I've never even met him (love you and you know who you are).... thanks to all my bloggy friends and other friends who've given me a nudge of encouragement while I'm feeling down.

Just wanted to basically say thanks. I've been down, and you realized it, and I needed you - and you all just make it easier to deal with. I don't think it gets said often enough, by me, and in general. Family that sticks by, friends who see you through, and bloggy friends I've never even met are great to have, lately I've felt like life was the shoe and I am the bug - and I'm getting stomped.

trolly time

We took the boys for a Trolly Ride this weekend, it was a blast!

I think the hubs and I enjoyed it just as much as the kiddo's!

You can opt in/out on the jazz music with the short video montage

from last month

Skimmed through some photos from August and ran across this one.

Little J looks so serious and so grown up sometimes....

There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million.

~Walt Streightiff

Not Forgotten 9.11

What were YOU doing on 9.11.01 when you heard the news?

I was sitting at my desk at work,

listening to this very commentary from my favorite radio show.

Video is compliments of the ACE&TJ show website.

first sign of fall

Even though "fall" won't officially be here until September 22 this year, I'm already starting to see some changes in colors on the trees. We were at our favorite playground over the weekend and kept running across these bright red glossy leaves.

I'm trying to learn how to use natural lighting better and shooting in full manual on the camera, but I haven't had a whole lot of time to play around as I would like too. This is the only picture out of about 40 that I really liked....

It captures what I love about fall, the warmth of the sunshine against the rustic colors.

peaceful moments

It's always been important to find peaceful moments in every day. Recently I had a random week of awkward and a lack of peacefulness. I went through some weird freakshow of events that seems to have started with a strange virus about 1 week ago, and this week I heard from a few other friends and found out that they also had the very strange virus. I did, however, realize that I allowed this FREAKY viral invasion to bring some strange anxiety and panic to the surface for me. Which lasted on and off for about 4 days and then left me as quickly as it came. Am I a freak? Probably so.

I did get physically sick, and the symptoms matched 100% to what my friends went through. Very ODD symptoms that came and went daily for about 5-6 days. During that time, I thought TOO much about my own mortality, and my thoughts were causing me to panic. Not just panic like "hey I feel like I'm going to panic" but text book panic attacks. NEVER have I had that, and NEVER do I want it again. I went through "what if I were to die and not get to see my kids grow up??? What if this what if that... " I went to the doctor for the physical symptoms, and because she had my chart in front of her, she ignored my weird viral symptoms, and read "death here, death there, and various other events" and said (in 10 minutes time) ok, here's a SSRI and Klonipin, I'll see you in 2 weeks for a follow up. WHAT???

I officially say no thanks to the SSRI for now because after reading about the side effects, and generally spending most of the day going back and forth to the potty while taking them for a week, it was decided AFTER talking to the nurse that I put them away. I have set up some general grief counseling for the obvious reasons, loss of my brother and stepmom, and then some not so obvious reasons...

So... we went outdoors everyday over the Labor Day weekend as often as we could, there was gorgeous weather, and I found the peacefulness I needed again. With my family, out in the warmth of the sun, feeling the breeze of life across my face.

Took the below photo at our favorite park... That bench is inviting even though it's worn and weathered, under that giant old tree with sunlight streaming down in just the right places, and it's exactly the kind of place I like to go in order to clear my head.

Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you. ~Walt Whitman

they light up my life....

We went to our favorite park for some R&R time.... much needed.
The weather was perfect....

it's a hard knock life...or is it?

Whatever hit me last Thursday night seems to have been some really funked up intestinal issues along with a crazy onset of random anxiety. I'll be honest, when I felt the cramping (which happened WAY before any anxiety) I instantly freaked out. I've never been a hypochondriac in my life and this really took me (and everyone who is close to me) by surprise. I began (and still often think about it) wondering about my own mortality, and thinking about my stepmom and her battle with cancer. I started getting documents in order, doing things in panic, worrying about things that I've NEVER even given second thought too.... like, how will my 3yo feel if mommy isn't here, how will he understand if something terribly bad happens to me? He's only 3 and depends on me so much.... I worried about how much I'd miss in this life, how this and how that.... what if's were tormenting me. And that is NOT me!!! Anyone who REALLY knows ME, knows that I'm not a pessimistic, negative, morbid thinking person at all.

Up and down I went, back and forth on this crazy roller coaster of emotions, and physical body aches. I felt like I didn't want to be left alone, I needed my husband with me at all times. NO ONE in my immediate circle of friends, and NO ONE in my family could understand or "get" what was/is going on. My brother Chris has called me 7-10 times per day, because in our entire life he said I'd been steady as a rock in this crazy and often chaotic life. Even told me that he often thought of me as the one who really looked at things clearly and positively even when things were REALLY crappy. My dad came to visit me, my mom came to visit me, I'm sure my husband called his family and told them his wife was going through some REALLY strange stuff...

The pains??? They're gone. And do I feel like a new woman YES. I will be honest, the doctor prescribed Celexa for general depression and Klonopin for anxiety and panic attacks... which I'd NEVER had before and WOW that's a situation I never want to be in again. Do I think I suffer from depression, given the last 5 years and some very recent upsets - yes probably so. After talking to the doctor EVERY DAY for 4 days, and she and the nurses all seem to think it sounded like GAD but that doesn't just hit you like a ton of bricks, that's a slow progressing disorder that occurs over a period of time.... so I guess I'm a freakshow. Today - I feel like me. Yesterday I felt like me. And being honest?? I did NOT take more then 3 days of the Celexa because I was in the bathroom WAY too often with that medication. I will see her again in 2 weeks for labwork and she said she'd review my lab work before deciding on another course of treatment with SSRI's, mom thinks I have a Thyroid disorder since she had 90% of hers removed in her 20's due to Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I did use 1/2 of a .5 Klonopin two times a day for 4 days and, well, if it helped then it helped. But I didn't notice a huge difference.

I talked to a n'bor who told me she had a sudden onset of very strange intestinal concerns, and they lasted a week. Made her very dizzy, faint, weak, and like mine - no fever and no vomiting (sorry, TMI?) etc. Last night, I talked to another friend who's going through the exact same thing. Maybe it's a virus....but it sure got me thinking about my mortality and all of the crappy things that seem to happen to my family and THAT'S where I have to get back on track.

I start counseling next Thursday. About two MONTHS after a sudden change in a personal relationship that I'm grieving over, ONE year after layoffs began (two times now for our household), TWO years after my brothers death, THREE years after my stepmom's death, FOUR years after my husband nearly died, and FIVE years after I nearly lost my dad, SIX years after we fought a huge battle to win custody of big E for his own safety and well being..... I'm going to grief counseling.

Yep - I'ts official, I'm not superwoman (never have been - what a shame??!!), and that I'm human and I need encouragement. So, instead of feeling like the world's often shoving it's foot in my face, I plan to get back to the bassackwardsmom who realizes that when there are upsets in my life, I have to use those opportunities to grow myself and look even harder at ALL of the blessings I have.

another new addition brought to us by IKEA

Did I mention I'm and IKEA freak? I just wish that everything at IKEA was made in the USA...Either way, I go there whenever I can... I love to look, and dream about all the snazzy possibilities there - there's so many ways to simplify and organize at IKEA! I think if I were the type to spend money frivolously for our home and kids, I'd do it at IKEA and on Etsy.com.... (Etsy has also won my heart over).

BUT, our budget isn't so frivolous with one laid off and one working for a small income from home, so we only really replace things if they're broken or if we sell something on craigslist or Ebay in order to replace it. That's why we like IKEA, everything seems to be reasonably priced for a budget like ours when it comes to stuff we can "use" in everyday life.

Big E has been doing his assignments either on his bed, or at the dining room table, so we cleared a spot in his room for a simple small desk, and for under $50.00 we were able to get a desk, a chair, and a cushion for the chair to match his room colors. Was it a necessity, nope - but does he totally dig it - YES! All he wants now is a really cool desk lamp because I walked out and forgot it like a dummy, we'll prob. get him this one since he seems to dig it (and it's only $5!), and he'll be a happy kid doing homework or reading, writing, or drawing at freewill!

little by little...

We love IKEA and we went this week to pick up this neat little table and chairs for little J to use for building his lego's and for doing crafts.

We sold his little kitchen set since he's not played with it in months and have found a suitable replacement that is much much smaller and compact for imaginary and imitation play when I'm cooking. We hope to pick it up soon. We have several items we've listed on craigslist that are no longer used and once we sell those we'll use that money to replace items with a few things for organizing and homeschooling.

Little by little we're trying to get it handled....

seeking clarity

I'm still around, and will try to get back to my normal blogging self soon....

Went to the doctor for some fairly strange physical symptoms, then opened up a can of emotions and then just weirdness....

I'm not a nut case (well ok maybe I am), but I am evidently very depressed or having panic attacks. To the point, it's affecting me physically, and I'm allowing morbid thoughts about my own mortality to consume me and having fears about life/death/etc. that consume my thoughts. There's some physical things going on, and I hope to get some resolve on those - but for now, my physician thinks everything stems from the last 5 years when stress, traumatic events, major life events, relationship changes due to death and various other reasons, major changes in our lives. It all seemed to be physical - fatigue, appetite loss, then in a snap it turned into crying, pure panic, fears, sadness, worry, etc.

Just being honest. I promise not to write a bunch of soppy crap on here that makes whoever reads my blog sad too.... just like to be honest about who I am, and what I'm dealing with.

Pray for me.... and those of you who read this that don't pray, do what you do too....