peaceful moments

It's always been important to find peaceful moments in every day. Recently I had a random week of awkward and a lack of peacefulness. I went through some weird freakshow of events that seems to have started with a strange virus about 1 week ago, and this week I heard from a few other friends and found out that they also had the very strange virus. I did, however, realize that I allowed this FREAKY viral invasion to bring some strange anxiety and panic to the surface for me. Which lasted on and off for about 4 days and then left me as quickly as it came. Am I a freak? Probably so.

I did get physically sick, and the symptoms matched 100% to what my friends went through. Very ODD symptoms that came and went daily for about 5-6 days. During that time, I thought TOO much about my own mortality, and my thoughts were causing me to panic. Not just panic like "hey I feel like I'm going to panic" but text book panic attacks. NEVER have I had that, and NEVER do I want it again. I went through "what if I were to die and not get to see my kids grow up??? What if this what if that... " I went to the doctor for the physical symptoms, and because she had my chart in front of her, she ignored my weird viral symptoms, and read "death here, death there, and various other events" and said (in 10 minutes time) ok, here's a SSRI and Klonipin, I'll see you in 2 weeks for a follow up. WHAT???

I officially say no thanks to the SSRI for now because after reading about the side effects, and generally spending most of the day going back and forth to the potty while taking them for a week, it was decided AFTER talking to the nurse that I put them away. I have set up some general grief counseling for the obvious reasons, loss of my brother and stepmom, and then some not so obvious reasons...

So... we went outdoors everyday over the Labor Day weekend as often as we could, there was gorgeous weather, and I found the peacefulness I needed again. With my family, out in the warmth of the sun, feeling the breeze of life across my face.

Took the below photo at our favorite park... That bench is inviting even though it's worn and weathered, under that giant old tree with sunlight streaming down in just the right places, and it's exactly the kind of place I like to go in order to clear my head.

Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you. ~Walt Whitman