New Beginnings...

I can't believe it, he's graduating....

Right in front of my eyes, I watched this young man grab a diploma and literally walk across a stage that means ending one chapter and starting a new one.

He, along with his class, beamed with pride. All the while, I sat with proud tears rolling down my cheeks. Proud that I could be there at last minute to watch as the kid who used to chase me around the house when I'd visit, is starting to chase his dreams. Dreams that will come true for him as long as he keeps his focus.

Congrats Nick Nick! You have made me proud to call you my nephew, proud to hold the title of being your Aunt. Your dad would have been glowing with pride to be there. As I watched you walk across that stage, for a moment, I felt like he was right there - smiling down on you... I love you Nicholas!!!

music

Often I'll hear a song a couple dozen times before I find a reason to like it. Usually because the radio has over played it. I rarely listen to country music, though I am quite broad in my appreciation of music in general. I like anything from classic rock, alternative, indie, to rap - yes, rap. Country music has a way of making me think of my oldest brother, who died in 2007.

Last night on American Idol, one of the guys sang "Already There" by Lonestar. The lyrics grabbed me. Even though the song was written about a father of a child - a father who is still living - who's away from his family, it made me think about Mike. It made me think about how very often I sense him all around me. I just loved the lyrics so I thought I'd post the part that hit home for me here...

Take a look around

I'm the sunshine in your hair

I'm the shadow on the ground

I'm the whisper in the wind

I'm your imaginary friend

And I know I'm in your prayers

Oh I'm already there

So turn out the light and close your eyes

I'm already there

Don't make a sound

I'm the beat in your heart

I'm the moonlight shining down

I'm the whisper in the wind

We may be a thousand miles apart

But I'll be with you wherever you are

sledding

There have been about 3 Christmas' now where we've visited my mom's house and there's been snow. Two of those were when my oldest brother was alive to enjoy this with his kids. During our visit this year, his kids (daughter photo below - and then one of her with her brother down below all of these) were super excited to see the snow and just decided for old times sake to go sledding in grandma's yard!! 'H' couldn't get enough of it, even though it was about 10-12 degree's there!!

Big E took a couple of turns as well and had fun, then ended up with some battle wounds on his hand and took a break from the fun. Little J and I went down the hill a couple of times and he LOVED it!! Broke my heart that Mike wasn't around to see these kids do this. It's the little things in life that I think about, because the little things were the BIG things to him.

N & H are discussing this next race. There were a couple of times they went down sortof tandem. Either way, they both went down that hill laughing and having such a blast! Over and over and over!!!

There is no description for the windchill. It was BITTER. Big E came in with red hands, little J came in with a red face, and N&H had red faces too!

the night before Christmas....

....and all through my mind, was flashes of past holidays and memories of that kind.
I thought of our Christmas nights from when I was a just a kid, and appreciate now more then ever - all that our parents did.
It wasn't about the gifts, I won't lie, that was great. But the best memories are of baking cookies, writing letters to Santa, and staying up late.
Christmas specials on TV with my mom, and game (or three) of parcheesi with my dad.. and then off to bed we'd go with nothing but the next day's excitement to be had.
Waking up early, crawling down the hall. We snuck together as siblings, and we had a ball!
Our parents were wide awake, even though we thought they were otherwise. They were laying in their beds, probably so happy that we snuck to the tree to see our surprises.
Those days are forever going to live in my mind, as moments with family - unlike any other kind.
It's our turn now, to start this 'night before Christmas' fun, we baked and had cookies, and we watched a family show and had fun.
Our kids have no clue, what's under the tree. They didn't really make a "list", they'd seem content to wait and see...
The holidays are so precious, and moments are such bliss. I wish I could stop time, for weekends like this.
So... twas the night before Christmas, and all through this house, not a kid was complaining, not even a spouse.
The stockings were laid, under the tree with care (that's just what we do), and gifts were scattered around for the kids, the hubs, and me too!
The kids are all snuggled, warm and safe in their beds. And we'll peek in later, and plant sneaky kisses on their heads.
The morning will come, and coffee will brew. The kids will wake up and sneak a peek at a gift or two.
Christmas (for us) will be spent making memories, and sharing love. All because of our blessings from above.

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other. ~Burton Hillis

Random Tuesday Thoughts - remembering, H1N1 and happy hour

Today would have been my brothers 42nd birthday. I laughed a little this morning, thinking of how I'd have called him and gave him hell about being old. I think today should be nationally recognized as I'm sure most anyone who's lost someone would feel. Why doesn't the entire world stop for a moment and become aware that today's the day we'd have celebrated? Anyway, I plan to make today all about pushing forward. I have the swine flu, but it isn't gonna stop me today. So - TAKE THAT PIGGY flu!!

Speaking of the flu.... I've sat around and thought about all of the ways to try to make light of this H1N1 situation at home. Even though it is, and can become, a very serious flu - I still have to smile, right?

So here's a few thoughts I've had:

Someone, quick, call a hambulance, we have a snoutbreak.
Bird flu, Swine flu, Mad Cow Disease - OMG it's Farmegeddon!
Should I go for my follow up visit wearing a pig mask?
I think I need some oinkment.
Feel like I'm gonna sneeze again, aaaachooooink!
Someone should make a movie: Pig Trouble in Little Mexico - maybe it could star Kevin Bacon

BassAckwards sidenote: My sense of humor is not intended to offend at all. I am REALLY aware of how serious the flu can be for anyone, and may have to go in for chest xrays tonight. Even the flu vaccine can be serious - some people have very strange, and life altering side effects. I just try to lighten the mood for myself, and though maybe you'd get a giggle or two as well. I hope none of you who read this blog ever get the swine flu, or any adverse reactions to the vaccine(s). I have a friend who was really blogbashed recently because of her 'sit back and laugh at it' approach to some things in her life, her sense of humor is amazing after all that she's been through!! I just want to say up front - humor is a must in my house these days, and that is why I try to see the lighter side of things as often as possible. We, in our house, know all too well how quick things can change. I'm making fun of ME, not anyone else ;-)

Lastly, I went by Steak & Shake earlier today to grab a coke. I may very well have strep throat developing along with this flu. It is a very familiar feeling right now. Rambling. So, as I'm waiting to pay for my NON diet coke (yeah, that's right, I'm a rebel) and I saw a picture of a Turtle Caramel Nut Milk Shake. YES. IT IS TRUE!!! And all of a zillion calories I'm sure. Oh man, I was drooling. So as I'm typing this I glance over at my coke cup and notice "Hand dipped happy hour, 1/2 shakes 2-4pm M-F" you bet your butt I'm going back. And YES, I'm gonna use my brother's birthday as my excuse. *selfish snort laughter*

a memorial ornament

this was sent to our family, in honor of the donation of the gift of sight made by my brother.... Losing him has been one of the hardest things I've ever faced or dealt with. Yet, him being a donor means that even in his passing he has given to others something they may have NEVER received. So this ornament is proudly on the very front of our tree for everyone to SEE.

the last competition

Day 7

I'm thankful to have been present to see my nephews last band competition of his highschool years. Today was the last time he'll play in competition since he's a senior.

Big E and I headed to Graham, NC.

With tearful and proud eyes, I watched.

I listened.... and I cheered. Loudly and obnoxiously. On purpose.

And then his solo made me get all tearful again.

I am so thankful I went to see this today.

For a moment, when the sun was it's brightest, and warmest shining down

it almost felt like my brother was there to watch his son...

Happy Birthday - Day 4

Day 4

Today's my neice's birthday.

There's not much more to write about that... I'm thankful to have been given such a wonderful person to call my neice. I'm thankful that she's a little piece of my brother walking around in this world. I'm thankful that she's happy, and had a great birthday!

I'll blame the pills....

I wrote this about 2 weeks ago and just never posted it...

I'm on a good bit of meds, I'm sure I'll write some crazy post about that later..... so, my soapbox is brought on today by Klonipin mixed with some tears and thoughts about happier times, and filled with hopes and dreams for my future and for the future of our family and our kids... It's a long post - so if you stopped by for my usual quick photo and some short words - sorry, not today. Today - it's more like a mini rant and one that makes very little sense at that...

so what if it's not perfection

How important is your overall family closeness these days? My personal opinion...just like the old saying, everything starts and ends with family. Is it important that your family be so close that you know every good or bad deed that a member of your family has done? Not to me, maybe it used to be - but recently I've went from jaded about conflicts, and angry about deaths, to humbled about holding on tight to what's left... all in a whirlwind of major changes. Losses from deaths in my family, and grieving other losses, and suddenly - whamo - I've realized I'm not superhuman and I need my family - my peeps! The hubs and I talk alot about this and that, and it's important to us that our family whether near or far, be a part of shaping and molding our kids - because that's where are kids 'come from'! (that's a major run on sentence) My pipe dream = letting my kids know their roots - every single one of them. Somewhere I once heard it takes a village to raise a child.... I'm thinkin that village included family peeps. We haven't really tapped into the total wealth of that village - and I realize now more then ever, how very large our family is. I have family through marriage, and stepbrothers and sisters and nieces and nephews for days, and I hope to get to know them much better in the coming months since the holidays are around the corner!

Funded.... my reality Check

Speaking of family, I want to thank those in our family who have been there for me recently. I've never been in such a chaotic state of mind as I have been over the past month. I've had nuclear dye, iodine, barium shakes which literally blow arse btw, radiation from xrays and various other hospital cocktails provided to me in order to seek out what's going with my innards. So far the consensus is that I have a poorly functioning gall bladder (but not poorly enough for them to take it out??blows) and a couple of cysts. One on my liver, and one on my ovary. I also scored relatively high on a test, 1/640 on my ANA Titer rate, and pretty darn high on my SMA test too.... however, it seems that YAY - I'm a-symptomatic so I go back in a few months to see the Rheumy doc. Still more tests to come, and more about deciding what to do about it all.

My my reality check was that I was very discouraged and then my family and friends lifted me up and reminded me how, and where to find peace. I am reminded that there are no guarantee's in this life and that we should seek out the good in every day and not waste an ounce of it. I'm thankful to have been humbled, yet again, and realize now more then ever that this life, my life, is so precious of a gift.

accepting that somethings just "are"....

...isn't as easily done as it is said. However, in order to be happy in this life I am learning to accept that change is just something you get back after cashing in your "reality check". And what I do with that "change" is up to me. Me??? I plan to put it in my memory bank and spend it wisely...

I'm sure you've read or heard the serenity prayer and it should be my life's motto - but recently I stumbled upon a modified version that seems to just fit where I am right now in my life, because in this life if you want a change, that change has to start within you, right? Just for the record - I realize I am a nutjob lately.... I'm embracing the inner chaos.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me."

~Author unknown

...but if the dead could talk.

Deep post title? Maybe I'm turning my blog into an "all about me" trend lately, but let's face it - it is my blog, so I'm journaling my life. I've already printed all of my blog(s) through sharedbook.com and love that my kids will have a journey and journal to read someday... maybe they won't think I'm a loon for writing from the heart.... Soon I promise I'll get back to posting fluffy happy fun photos of my kiddo's and such... but for now - I need to vent.

Driving down the road crying....

I admit it, and am ok with it. I was crying as I was driving. My 3yo was rocking out to Imagination Movers in the back seat with the speakers set to the rear and fairly loud. Me, wearing my obnoxiously large sunglasses with tears streaming down my face. Why? Because I feel broken, (see several other posts about how being sick sucks) and worn down. I was crying... my eyes out. Silent mommy sobs, do you know the type? The type when your little one says "mommy can you get my drink cup for me" you can suddenly switch from sobbing mommy to "sure thing baby" in a flip of a switch... that was me - 2 days ago.

Then my phone rang....

My 17 year old nephew called me, to say hi, and he realized I was crying. I tried to hide it from him, but he's smart - that kid. He pulled the "I'm not a kid, I know somethings wrong, so talk to me". I told him, "I'm scared" and we talked about the medical tests, etc., and he said "what are you scared of?" I got quiet. I said, "I'm thinking selfishly, and I'm too ashamed to tell you what I'm scared of...." he said "Aunt S~ Just tell me, I'm here to listen".... so I did. I told him I was scared of something being terribly wrong and me leaving my kids behind.... very much like with his father's death. Sudden.

Then I got learned a lesson or two....

...from a boy, or young man rather, who is wise WAY beyond his years (and I don't even think he knows it). He said "when daddy had his first reaction the year before he died and was put on a ventilator and literally died then - but they saved him, he knew leaving the hospital that his life would forever be about what if it happens again... but it didn't stop him from living each day to the fullest, and enjoying the moment. Aunt S~, if you are spending your time worrying about "what if" then you're wasting what time you are given to enjoy right NOW." I sobbed. Then he said more... my nephew is strong in his faith and reminded me that sometimes in life, things happen to us to prepare us or thicken our skin for bigger, harder times. And maybe, this is a test of my faith.

All I could do was smile and cry...

I couldn't say much back to that, and he had to get off the phone right quick. But you know, today 3 times today that young man has remembered me - and called me, text messaged me, and called again - all to see how I AM DOING. What a man he has become, and how proud am I to be called his Aunt. Between having gone through his parents divorcing when he was younger, and growing up with BOTH of his parents raising him to stick to family values even through that divorce, they agreed that what was important was to make sure that he was raised to live his life with values... You have NO CLUE how much he made me think.... I do feel like total crap, and went back to the doctor today with more abnormal labwork (will post later) but here's a young man, who's daddy is gone forever, who's a teenager, probably has some girl chasing him around, and has better things to do then to call his crazy arse Aunt who's freaking out.... but he did - and that's because he has a great set of family values and he has morals that are inflexible. I'm thankful to have him in my life, what I've wanted more then anything these past few weeks is to talk to my brother (and believe me I've done that outloud) but obviously I can't hear him talk back - what I've found is that he speaks to me even though he's not here. His value system, and ethics are forever embedded in those kids. I'm not too ashamed to say that my 17 year old nephew schooled me on 'having some hope and living for today'. Thanks N - you rock.

she smiles

This past weekend we went over to my dad's to hang out with my brothers daughter. She was visiting for the weekend only and I was so glad to hang out for a bit with her!

I took this picture right before she busted out laughing. For some reason, this picture just captures who Haleigh is for me. One beautiful and bubbly young lady.

Late at night, several times a week, she text messages me:

"I miss daddy so much - I love you Aunt S"

....yet, through everything. She still smiles....

LLYWD - one step at a time

A new path...
My mom bought me a book for my birthday, it's filled with quotations, interviews with some random people, statements, and biblical references about how you should let go, and love, accept, and forgive and forget. It couldn't have come at a more appropriate time in my life. Lately, I'm sitting around wondering "what is THAT about???" or "WHY and what GIVES??" about many things in this crazy life of ours. I have to LET GO, let go of the 'what if's' about this life and what's gone on in it. I LET IT GO. Laying my burdens down. I want to live like I am dying (because in all reality - we ALL are, someday)... One of my favorite excerpts about life from the book I received: Live: With passion and purpose, and mission and meaning and with a little wild abandon. With no forgiveness withheld and no anger held within. I just want to live life with my husband, love him and my family, and be happy while watching these two boys of ours grow into men.

I'm going to try to journal my "bucket list". But it's not really a huge deal bucket list, so I'm calling my list the LLYWD list. (live like you were dying) It's really nothing spectacular or over the top (yet!) - but it's mine ;).

One thing on my list is to take a vacation on a COMPLETE WHIM. And we're going next week ;-). I sat here just now, talked to the hubs, and we decided, and we booked it. Dangit - our family deserves a pick me up. Recently, this whole household has felt a downer and it's not fair, so we're gonna reward ourselves with a quick 3 day getaway before school starts back. I've always been a planner, when it comes to things like vacation - but hey, you only live once, right?? Baby steps turned into a giant leap.

letting go...

Looking in another direction
Each time something drastic occurs, we take a new path, my husband and I and our two kids. You can't do anything about what this life hands you by way of tragic events, but you CAN do something about how it affects you. I'm challenging myself, to live like I am dying. To forget about all of the 'wrong' that has been done to me, or my idea of the 'wrong', to realize and embrace differences and accept people for WHO THEY ARE in my life, to FORGIVE & FORGET, FOR LIFE, FOR LOVE, FOREVER. As Charlotte Bronte once said "Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs." I have LET IT GO!! There's no point in holding on to anything that feels "wrong" inside, right??

So I started my own little 'bucket list' after watching two people in my life die in the past 3 years. One KNEW she was dying and showed me what love, forgiveness, and absolute grace looked like while each day stepping closer to her death. She had a hand in planning her funeral, and made it her last wish that during HER funeral, those that were closest to her felt like SHE was there with them. The other had NO IDEA that his day was August 6, 2007. He knew that life was precious, he had a few scares the year before. He did not take one person in his life for granted, he did not let the sun go down on his feelings. At his funeral, the song 'live like you were dying' was played and it's taken me 2 years to really be able to listen to the words. The words have hit me like a ton of bricks this week, as if to say "hey you idiot, get with it, you're not getting any younger by the day!!" My upbringing was that I should not take any day for granted, and that the sun should not go down on our feelings - and some days, and some situations that's easier said then done. I think the saying goes "Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift, That's why it's called the Present"..... it's time to live like we're dying.

2 years

Today - 2 years ago.... we lost my brother.

A father, a son, a brother, a uncle, a nephew - a friend...and now, an angel in heaven.

That photo was taken just 4 weeks before little J was born and we were all at my house for Christmas celebration together. We were all cracking up because mom insisted on having a picture of use 3 in front of a tree or fireplace EVERY year. The ironic thing is my dad does the same at his house. Now, as a mom - I do it too!!

And in some strange, sad turn of events - I absolutely understand why...

You can't control the length of your life. Just the depth.

on day at a time...

Thinking back
I made an appointment with my regular physician not too long ago and sat down with her for a 1 hour consult. I wondered, do I need medical intervention to help me cope with my feelings of anxiety, and at times feelings of general depression? I haven't felt like 'me' in a very long time. During the last 4 years of our lives, there's been some pretty big stuff. ALL of which has, in its own way, impressed upon me how very fragile this life is and can be...

She asked "what has occurred to make you FEEL different about your life".... I replied, "In 2004 my father had quadruple bypass surgery... also, in 2004 we moved into a new house, a brand new adventure, our first mortgage, and sometime that same year I was told I have Lupus symptoms - likely flared up due to stress. Then in January of 2005 my husband had a sudden heart attack which resulted in triple bypass surgery, 3-4 months later we found out we were pregnant and the pregnancy was high risk due to various circumstances determined by my ob/gyn, but things went very smoothly until delivery... that was a bit of a chaotic situation, but everyone turned out ok in the end. During that pregnancy, my stepmother was diagnosed with a rapid and terminal cancer. She died when my son was 10 months old in 2006. And, then in August of 2007, my brother died. Since then, my husband's been through 2 layoffs with his job, and it sometimes seems like we're paddling upstream." But we've been BLESSED too, little J was born healthy, and after surgery big J is healthy, my dad is healthy, and lots of other things are pure blessings in our lives.

HOLY CRAP she looked at me like I had four heads. Even though I'm POSITIVE there are people with much more then that in their lives, I think she was poorly prepared for what I had to say just by her expression and tears. She offered me her hugs, and her tears, and her tissues. She told me that she was very suprised that I hadn't had serious anxiety, and that some people even have PTSD after some of these events. She gave me a medication to take for 3 months only. I took it for 4 weeks, and ended up feeling even more void then I felt before, so she recommended I come off of it completely and begin deep breathing exercises and try to manage my stress and anxiety on my own as long as it didn't become depression I'd be ok - in her professional opinion. My opinion?? HA. I think I'm a nutjob most of the time....

So - One day at a time....

Acceptance

One night this past week I received a phone call from both my niece and nephew - on the same night... but separately. Both were going through something. My nephew more a problem that he needed to vent about, and had my brother been here on this earth - I fully believe he'd have called him to blow off steam. My niece cried to me on and off for about 1 hour on the phone talking about how she had went to her daddy's grave to talk to him, and how it wasn't fair that all the daddies who give up their kids, beat their kids, and don't care about their kids are still in this world... and how unfair it is that HER daddy DID love her, DID take really good care of her, and how he woke up EVERY day and put family first - how unfair it is that he had to die. She's going into 6th grade and my brother ALWAYS made a huge deal about school with her, and she's having a very difficult time right now with everything. She's having a REALLY hard time accepting it. Who could blame her?

I'm having a difficult time too, it was hard to hear the sadness and frustration in their voices. I listened to her cry, and listened to my nephew vent and thought to myself how very unfair it does all seem. We've been shorted, those kids have been shorted, and even though I know there's a purpose for everything in this life - that doesn't make it hurt less, nor does it make any sense on the "why". How do you answer "why my daddy??" to a little girl who longs for her fathers hug, scruffy face after a long day at work... you can't do anything but simply say "honey, I don't understand either, and you're right it's NOT fair." Saying that over and over, does NOT make the hurt go away - not for her, or for me. I find some peace in telling her that God must have REALLY needed some SERIOUS manpower up there... because my brother IS the man for THAT job. Even THAT, does NOT make the pain go away. I'm human, and so is she. Pain is real, and I'm not going to pretend it's not there. Simply put - I am not happy about it, and I don't like it!! But I have to accept it...

We're rounding the corner to a two year anniversary of his death.... but saying 'anniversary of his death' just sounds out of place to me, sounds heartless. It's not a party kind of day, and when I think anniversary I think party, cards, balloons, etc. So, two years and I'm not ready to shut up about it, I'm not ready to quit blogging about it, I'm not ready to stop posting that same TIRED picture I keep posting because it captures in one expression exactly who my brother is/was/always will be to me... I'm not ready to quit being angry, sad, upset, hurt, torn, stressed, overwhelmed, broken down, beat up, ripped apart, confused, lost, melancholy, depressed at times, empty, and overall - just down right crushed. I'm not ready to say "it's getting easier" because that's a lie. I'm not ready to say "I'm at peace" because that's a lie. and I'm pretty sure neither of those kids are either.... same goes for the rest of my family. But we have to accept it...

Robert Frost - Acceptance
When the spent sun throws up its rays on cloud
And goes down burning into the gulf below,
No voice in nature is heard to cry aloud
At what has happened. Birds, at least must know
It is the change to darkness in the sky.
Murmuring something quiet in her breast,
One bird begins to close a faded eye;
Or overtaken too far from his nest,
Hurrying low above the grove, some waif
Swoops just in time to his remembered tree.
At most he thinks or twitters softly, 'Safe!
Now let the night be dark for all of me.
Let the night bee too dark for me to see
Into the future. Let what will be, be.'

Wordful Wednesday - togetherness with missing pieces

The Past

I grew up surrounded by my Aunts and Uncles for every possible holiday, looked forward to it almost as much as most kids look forward to Christmas gifts. The gatherings and meals were filled with laughter and togetherness. Now that I have a family, and kids of my own - I see the importance of togetherness even more.

I wish I could change alot of things about how "together" my childhood family is now, but I cherish every memory I have. Standing by my Granny V in the kitchen watching her slice homemade lemon pie, and smelling her perfume and thinking of how beautiful she looked after cooking all day in the kitchen, having tea parties on an old tree stump with my Grandpa V. Building forts over and over and over with my cousins. Being at my Granny and Grandpa L's house and thinking that burning leaves or picking up walnuts was the most fun in the world. And at every family gathering, no matter where, listening to the grownups tell funny stories from their younger years always intrigued me. There was depth and it peeked my interest always, and now more then ever I value those days.

The Present

I long for those types of childhood memories for my own kids. There are alot of hoops to jump through to get our family "together" now. I have 5 step sisters, 2 step brothers, 1 brother in law/sister in law, a combination of 16 nieces/nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, one living grandmother. My children have met all of these people only a handful of times, and I'm ashamed to say - some have never even met little J - but all have met big E. For such a large family we get together very little. It's no one's fault in particular, it's just how it is, schedules, jobs, out of state, etc. I missed Christmas with 1/2 of my family this year, and I'm still not ok with it. Not only did we miss Christmas with MY family, we missed it with my husbands brother and their family because it was just not financially possible for us to travel there. It is a difficult concept for me, one that I'm ok with adjusting too, but I will say - difficult.

I'm not ok with saying that the last time I saw some of my family was at my brothers funeral - almost 2 years ago. I'm unsettled that I'm partially at fault, because I should be more aggressive at keeping those family ties strong. I need my kids to know where they came from, and I'm in a fortunate position to offer them more then just pictures and conversation, I can actually take them to people. I'm not above admitting that I can, and should have done something about this by now - in fact, I take full accountability. It really shouldn't be so complicated, life has become too "busy" these days, I don't remember life being so busy when I was little, family time came so easy it seemed. Either my parents were super hero's, or they just weren't sidetracked by technology, phone calls, jobs, etc., there was always room for family time. I already know the answer to that - they were super hero's.

Disconnected

It's no secret to anyone who really knows me that I had a lasting bond with my brother Mike. I do have another brother, and we're not as close now as we were as children. Our lives have taken different directions unfortunately, and we see each other very little. My oldest brother Michael who passed away 08.06.07 barely got to know little J. I remember when the below picture was taken, afterwards he spent the entire afternoon bonding with little J. By the end of the evening little J was sitting on his lap as the most content little toddler in the world, having skipped two naps. He was 100% his Uncle Mike's best boy that day. Tears roll down my face in remembering how we had dinner that evening, and Uncle Mike held little J (then just 1.5 years old) and shared bites of food with him, swapping drool and giggles with him as if he were his own. I lay awake at night and think about the "what if's"... What if I could call Michael today and tell him how big E is doing in school, how he's growing up, how he's becoming a tweenager, and how little J is learning, growing, and changing. I feel robbed, and then I throw my pity party... until something like THIS slaps me in the face to remind me that I had 31 GREAT years with my brother.

As an adult, and mom, I'm beginning to realize that no matter how good your intentions are, you can't always build a bond with the people in your life that you long to do so with. Sometimes you just have what you have, and you must be content with it.

Powerful Moments

Recently, my husbands brother and entire family came to visit. I am still learning new things about them, and enjoy any time I get to spend with them. I love listening to other peoples "stories". I'm grateful that my sister in law posts often to her blog about family, events, updates, etc., I've learned alot that way about the family that I married into! When my husband and I met and we were getting to know each other, I thought it was interesting that we both had a brother named Michael. The kids nicknamed his brother Uncle Mikey, and my brother was Uncle Mike.

I found myself feeling sad and happy while they visited, in watching my husbands eagerness while we waited on them to arrive for dinner when we met the day they got here, he couldn't wait to see his brother, and also because of little J's attachment to Uncle Mikey during the week they visited. Big E is/was old enough to know and remember my brother, but little J will not ever actually remember him. So, there was an emotion for me each time I saw little J with Uncle Mikey. The feeling was joy and sadness at the same time. Joy that our youngest had the opportunity to love, touch, and have "in your face" time with his Uncle Mikey. Sadness that I'll never get to see what that would have been like with my brother. I excused myself often, and tried my best not to let my emotions get the best of me. There were a few times that I had to sit by myself and remind myself that I'm not the first person to ever lose a sibling, I'm not alone with those feelings. It was ok to be a little sad... in fact, at times I felt sorry for myself, and threw mini pity parties along the way. I did that privately.

The Future

I plan to do better, to provide my kids with more insight about where they come from, sharing their family history with them as my parents did when I grew up, and I hope that I can keep my brothers memory alive enough for little J that he can know what kind of Uncle he was, and would have been.

In memory of my brother and my step-mom, I'm hoping in the next few weeks to have some photos to put up of a project I've planned. A peace garden of sorts that will be in their honor. Our kids lost a grandma, and uncle all in 2 years time, and I want to have a happy place to reflect on memories with them.

I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me but I find I am grateful for having loved them.

The gratitude has finally conquered the loss.

Author:Rita Mae Brown

A lifetime of Memories...

Today my brother would have been 41. I'm reminded of something I read once...

"..in the End, all that really matters isn't the things you did, but what its effects are today, not the knowledge you have learned, but how you applied it, not the words that were said, but how they made you feel, and most of all, not the moment of occurrence, but how its now just a part of our memory.. Everyday, we make memories.. Let's paint lives with happy ones.." ~unknown~

Mike sure painted his life with alot of happy memories.

The photo collage is my way of remembering... laughing... crying... and honoring today. You can turn the sound ON and also watch full screen.. buttons are on the bottom.

"Don't cry because it's over, Smile because it happened."

Happy Birthday

Happy 11th Birthday "doodlebug"

My niece turns 11 today!! Oh if only my brother (her dad) could see her now, growing up into such a lovely young lady. She told me today that she got some lip gloss and blush for her birthday since she's getting older, and we giggled and talked about 'girl stuff'. She's growing too fast. My heart is so happy to know she's growing up, but it's also so sad that my brother's not here to enjoy it.

I'm thankful that she still smiles and laughs. It means the world to me to hear her giggle over the phone.

I think he gets that from me...

...of all the traits I could pass on to my kid.... ugh. You always hear people say "you get that from your mom, or your dad". I wish I could wave a magic wand over this one AND heart disease potentials for both of our kids.

Thursday after "The Mist" we noticed a red streak under the little one's nose... this was a little sign of a possible irritation from the Mist dripping on his skin. It was the type of irritation that mirrored that of when cinnamon touches his skin. Blotchy, red, hive like mark. He's itched at it, wiped at it and rubbed it for 3-4 days now. It's still there, and today is Monday. I documented this in our allergy journal, just in case. Could be no big deal.... then this morning I decided to treat us to McD's, there was a selfish purpose behind it. I ran out of coffee. HA. Long story short, the toddler had already ate his breakfast at 730am, we left and picked up big E some breakfast and I grabbed a treat too. I gave the toddler my hashbrown, I don't like them but he does. He was a eating tank this morning and asked for more, but I didn't have more, so I pinched off some of the 'pancake' off of my sandwich (McGriddle - if I'm going to eat junk - I go all out, it's rare) the piece I handed him was on the egg side of the sandwich. Within minutes his face was splotchy, he was sneezing, eyes watering and itching at his face and nose.

I called the hubby, and then the doctor. Coincidentally, both of these "hive-like" reactions were right after exposure to egg. He doesn't eat eggs in general (never seems to want them when we offer), but he does eat things with eggs in them and doesn't have a problem - that we've noticed. After speaking with the nurse, and then the doctor it seems like we should avoid eggs in plain cooked form for now, and to watch for any mild reactions/symptoms to anything cooked w/ egg in it. Mild reactions are the body's warning signs. We plan to do diagnostic testing after he turns 3 and we're being referred to a pediatric allergist. They gave us the advice to keep benadryl handy at all times, avoid the obvious potentials - the pool somehow triggered hives the last 2 years, and now eggs. We also have epi-pens for the worst case scenario. I'm not big on jumping to conclusions... but I sure am glad that we've kept up with a journal and taken pictures during each of these episodes, been cautious and to a degree what some have called " too picky". The doctor feels sure that we will have allergies to deal with to some degree w/ him, early intervention will determine to what degree. I'm just thankful that this day and time - these things can be detected.