Saturday, August 18, 2007

A 'blah' kind of day.

Right now, I'm sitting at the kitchen table writing, drinking coffee and listening to my 18 month old babble. Life continues for us, and I have to figure out where my strength is because I have a family to take care of! Jesse's 18 month old well visit was Thursday, 3 shots, lots of talking with the doctor, and finding out that he's 'slightly' underweight for his age... the doctor seemed to be less concerned with the weight then me. I guess when he told me his percentile I just hear it as I'm not doing something right. Genetically he has my history of skinniness (is that a word??) to live up to! I guess I shouldn't worry, he's meeting all other developmental milestones and the doctor SAID not to worry... but I will keep a close eye on things anyway, just because that's what I do! ---break in blogging, thank goodness I saved this. Our power was out from 815am until appx 6pm, due to an accident, and according to Duke Power - 2 accidents. Appx 8000 customers without power in my area. The temp. in the house reached 80 and Jesse was in a diaper only, we 'tried' to nap - that didn't really work out... back to my thoughts... A general update on me that I really don't discuss in general! I have had potential cancer scares now for over 5 years, and have had biopsies each 3 months to determine my status; for 5 years I've had this monkey on my back and I've wondered whether I'd be told 'it's cancer' each time I had a test done. I had 3 tests done during my pregnancy, that easily could have effected my pregnancy, but they didn't cause any complications until delivery. I have Lupus symptoms down the chart, but because it's not full blown they don't call it 'lupus' yet. I still managed to have a healthy pregnancy and a baby without a heart block due to lupus complications. I get the phone call on August 3rd (Friday) from my nurse's at the OB/Gyn office about the new test results - and I sit on pins and needles... they call and tell me that I am IN THE CLEAR (for now)for the first time in 5 years. I didn't believe it - I even asked her to verify my ssn, my date of birth, and my full name to make sure they had the charts right. I was in the clear!!! I called in this order, husband, Mike, and parents. I'm constantly finding myself in a daze, wondering if all of this is real or if I'm in a bad dream... My phone doesn't ring nearly enough; I'm so used to having at least 2,3 calls a day from Mike during the work week and it's lonely without that. We both work for ourselves, and we both could be very flexible with phone calls - so losing that connection to his everyday life has really left me feeling like I got short changed. It's selfish isn't it?!? I keep asking WHY? I know I'll get my answers ONE day; but I guess the human in me just wants them NOW, and even IF I had them - I wouldn't be satisfied, because I wouldn't agree... My birthday was August 5, and I had been given the best gift in the world - being in the clear, for now with my health! My brother called me on August 5, 9am - my first phone call for my birthday. Our joke - "I got you the same thing I got you last year.... nothing!!" we both felt that gifts were a bit trivial at this point in life, that a card is nice, a gift is nice, but actually putting forth the effort to call - that's really meaningful. So we talked, we talked and then we talked again Monday August 6. I NEVER saw his death coming, just when you think everything is beginning to fall into place something tragic happens. I can say this - my brother, if he had any thoughts prior to his passing, knew he was loved. Right now, that's my peace, knowing that he KNEW he was loved, we had a terrific bond, his kids are absolutely amazing, and each person he met was lucky to meet such a man.