falling apart

everything seems to be.

I've been away for a while; and will prob. not be on blogville for a while yet....

Now that's funny - to me, anyway.

A relative sent me this recently by email, and I enjoyed it a bit. I had to clean it up some but here - enjoy. And if you don't enjoy it, well, I'm sorry about that part. I have a weird sense of humor.

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda

I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our butts! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and screw it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY!!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!

We didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

Our parents told us to stay outside and play.. all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have no idea!! You guys probably wouldn't last five minutes if you were flashed back to 1980 or any time before!

a game plan?

I visited a surgeon this morning, who reviewed my scans, and other tests. After 3 months (my first post about this problem is HERE)of visiting different doctors, for various reasons, but all for the same basic complaint - I may have a game plan. He explained to me that it's 80% likely that removing my gall bladder will solve my pain. There's that chance of me being in the 20%ile of people who do not get pain relief after gall bladder removal. I COULD have an ulcer, I COULD have IBS, or some type of gastro-intestinal issue. He does not feel like what I have is presenting itself in a very obvious manner, but it does fit most of the criteria for a diseased gall bladder. He was very understanding, and realizes that I'm losing my mind with this! My frustration level is pegged, and I'm tired of popping pills EVERY DAY!

He suggested I go back on the 2 meds that were previously given to me for a potential Peptic Ulcer, and said if my problems are resolved simply by taking those meds that he does NOT want to do surgery. However, if the pain still persists then I likely need my diseased gall bladder removed. That it functions at 62% makes it one of those decisions that I get to make on my own. Anything below 50% they suggest removal. It's close, and it's very likely causing me some of the discomfort I have on a regular basis.

I'm just ready to feel better. I'm ready to toss out the pill bottles. So for now, surgery is scheduled for late January.

sharing

Little J and I began feeling gross last night around 5pm. His started with watery eyes, cough, chills, and fever. Around 6pm, same thing with me. We share like that.

I haven't had the flu in 7 years. In my entire life I've taken the flu vaccine 1 time, and that was when I was pregnant. When I had that vaccine I felt AWFUL for about 4 days after. My kids have had the flu mist 2 x's in the past 3 years. This year, nothing yet for either of them.

We both have had a fever all day, little J's reaching 101's even with fever reducers. His flu test was positive for type A. SO, this means it's likely H1N1. Tamiflu was prescribed, although it's proven that H1N1 is highly resistant to Tamiflu. Both of our symptoms are less then 24 hours old, and so it is worth a shot to try to shorten the duration of the flu, according to both of our doctors.

Since I have a compromised immune system, my doctors have told me to watch it with my fever. Little J can stand a fever of up to 103, according to his doctor - but for me, I can't go above 100.5. SO, we're both shoving down fever reducers, benadryl, tamiflu and running cool mist humidifiers.

Lets hope the hubs and big E don't get it.

**sidenote, the toddler is absolutely a trooper, and is playing as long as his fever is down.

blew it....

I didn't make it on NaPoBloMo.... I blew it! With only two days to go!! I'm ok with it. I'm sure no-one was keeping track but me :D So much going on this time of year!! Happy December!

a well planned surprise....Day 21

Day 21

Around 1pm today I was sitting at my coffee table clipping coupons and getting ready to make a grocery list and my phone rang, it was my friend Susan from CA. She and I have been friends for some time, she lived here and we met though a mommy/playdate type forum and our friendship grew from there. She and her husband moved to CA not long ago with a job change, and I've missed her SO much!! We rely on each other by phone, by email and by IM pretty much daily. We're seriously like bosom buddies, we may have been sisters in a former life... I can absolutely trust her with my feelings, opinion, and thoughts and I know that she's ALWAYS honest with me with her friendship. Those kinds of friends in life are keepers, and our living thousands of miles apart does not change our ability to be "there" for each other in almost every way.

She's in from CA to Virginia to visit her own family for the holidays, she along with her 3yo daughter Katie. I had sent her a email last week asking her what her plans were for this weekend because I really wanted to go try to visit her in VA and she told me that she was visiting a friend up in northern VA and wouldn't be able to meet with me this time.... I was selfishly disappointed.

However... I didn't know that she and my husband were planning a little sneak-a-visit of their own for ME!! When my phone rang, and I was clipping coupons, I saw that it was her and I answered, and I said "hello" and she asked how I was feeling and I told her like CRAP, and she said "wait, do you hear an echo??" I couldn't really make out what she said, and I said "what???" and then around the corner of my kitchen she walked. Honestly, if crying didn't hurt I'd have probably sat there and bawled my eyes out. And for a moment or two during her visit - I did. After my really CRAP week, it was the absolute BEST evening I could ask for. Dinner, drinks, laughter, and friends - that's what I'm talkin about people.

Our kids had so much fun hanging out too ;-)

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. ~Elisabeth Foley

it didn't work out...

Dear "Last Week",

I just wanted to say you sortof sucked, you've had me thinking that I deserve better and I am not going to settle for that kind of drama again. (If I can help it).

First, you handed me a broke car... it had to be towed in because it wouldn't even start by using jumper cables and another car. So, it gets towed in. Then I had to borrow my dad's car, and basically spent the entire day driving or sitting IN a car. (Literally). After all was said and done, and I picked my car up the next day from the shop - it just didn't "smell" right.??!!?? Weird, I know....

So, "Last Week", I told you then that I wasn't going to take your nasty attitude, but did you listen???? NOOOOOO..... I found out that the "smell" in my car could be the rear axle or transmission - because the tow service towed my AWD vehicle in PARK. So here we go again.... I took my car back to the shop (where I work ironically) and they were kind enough to hand me the keys to a loaner car to use while they gave it a good look over.

I said out loud to you "ok, this is enough, that's the car we depend on - really??? do you enjoy all of this" and you laughed in my face on Thursday morning when I found out that not only was my husbands tag expired but we had not paid our city taxes yet (I forgot - that one is MY fault) so there I go spending nearly 300.00 that I didn't want to spend.... on my way to get the renewal sticker for the tag I was rolling up the windows in the LOANER CAR and didn't realize that little J's hand was holding the window ledge (he has NO window in MY car) and I rolled his four fingers right up for about 4 seconds. That's about how quick he screamed and then cried for several minutes to follow. Then I cried, and I yelled at you AGAIN "Mr. Last Week" to stop being such a bully to me... (yes, I know it was MY fault) His hand was fine in the end. And IF we ever have a four door car, I'll use that window lock button for sure.

Later Thursday you handed me the biggest bunch of CRAP. I thought I had my point across to you about how I deserve better, and how you couldn't beat me down anymore. I was pretty clear that I was done with your abuse and then like a true arsehole you tossed me a beatin. A rear end collision with our youngest in the car. After doctors visits, xrays, meds and pain, I have come to realize that you're not what is best for me. I'm SO over you. I'm done, we're done. I've moved on....

..... hello "weekend". Let's get to know each other well. I'm so glad you are here for me. The past is the past, and I'm moving on! I'm going to pick up MY car today with you, and I'm driving home in it - and we're going to have the best time together you and I. I love you WEEKEND!

Sincerely

~BassAckwards Mom

a shout out

Day 20

I'm usually not the medication type. I prefer to TRY to heal w/o modern meds, but there IS a time and place for them (you know this if you've read about my gall bladder fiasco)... so, to the makers of Vicodin®, Skelaxin®, and 800 mg Ibuprophin - I'd like to kiss your faces and say thanks for helping reduce some of the pain my body feels. I'm not going to pretend I'm superwoman, I hurt like CRAZY and it really isn't what I expected. But the docs are saying that 40mph impact when I was completely stopped is fairly significant...

Long story short - whiplash SUCKS.

Either way, if I didn't have the medication it'd be pretty hard to function with the neck and back pain. So I'm grateful for modern meds!

I'll blame the pills....

I wrote this about 2 weeks ago and just never posted it...

I'm on a good bit of meds, I'm sure I'll write some crazy post about that later..... so, my soapbox is brought on today by Klonipin mixed with some tears and thoughts about happier times, and filled with hopes and dreams for my future and for the future of our family and our kids... It's a long post - so if you stopped by for my usual quick photo and some short words - sorry, not today. Today - it's more like a mini rant and one that makes very little sense at that...

so what if it's not perfection

How important is your overall family closeness these days? My personal opinion...just like the old saying, everything starts and ends with family. Is it important that your family be so close that you know every good or bad deed that a member of your family has done? Not to me, maybe it used to be - but recently I've went from jaded about conflicts, and angry about deaths, to humbled about holding on tight to what's left... all in a whirlwind of major changes. Losses from deaths in my family, and grieving other losses, and suddenly - whamo - I've realized I'm not superhuman and I need my family - my peeps! The hubs and I talk alot about this and that, and it's important to us that our family whether near or far, be a part of shaping and molding our kids - because that's where are kids 'come from'! (that's a major run on sentence) My pipe dream = letting my kids know their roots - every single one of them. Somewhere I once heard it takes a village to raise a child.... I'm thinkin that village included family peeps. We haven't really tapped into the total wealth of that village - and I realize now more then ever, how very large our family is. I have family through marriage, and stepbrothers and sisters and nieces and nephews for days, and I hope to get to know them much better in the coming months since the holidays are around the corner!

Funded.... my reality Check

Speaking of family, I want to thank those in our family who have been there for me recently. I've never been in such a chaotic state of mind as I have been over the past month. I've had nuclear dye, iodine, barium shakes which literally blow arse btw, radiation from xrays and various other hospital cocktails provided to me in order to seek out what's going with my innards. So far the consensus is that I have a poorly functioning gall bladder (but not poorly enough for them to take it out??blows) and a couple of cysts. One on my liver, and one on my ovary. I also scored relatively high on a test, 1/640 on my ANA Titer rate, and pretty darn high on my SMA test too.... however, it seems that YAY - I'm a-symptomatic so I go back in a few months to see the Rheumy doc. Still more tests to come, and more about deciding what to do about it all.

My my reality check was that I was very discouraged and then my family and friends lifted me up and reminded me how, and where to find peace. I am reminded that there are no guarantee's in this life and that we should seek out the good in every day and not waste an ounce of it. I'm thankful to have been humbled, yet again, and realize now more then ever that this life, my life, is so precious of a gift.

accepting that somethings just "are"....

...isn't as easily done as it is said. However, in order to be happy in this life I am learning to accept that change is just something you get back after cashing in your "reality check". And what I do with that "change" is up to me. Me??? I plan to put it in my memory bank and spend it wisely...

I'm sure you've read or heard the serenity prayer and it should be my life's motto - but recently I stumbled upon a modified version that seems to just fit where I am right now in my life, because in this life if you want a change, that change has to start within you, right? Just for the record - I realize I am a nutjob lately.... I'm embracing the inner chaos.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me."

~Author unknown

...but if the dead could talk.

Deep post title? Maybe I'm turning my blog into an "all about me" trend lately, but let's face it - it is my blog, so I'm journaling my life. I've already printed all of my blog(s) through sharedbook.com and love that my kids will have a journey and journal to read someday... maybe they won't think I'm a loon for writing from the heart.... Soon I promise I'll get back to posting fluffy happy fun photos of my kiddo's and such... but for now - I need to vent.

Driving down the road crying....

I admit it, and am ok with it. I was crying as I was driving. My 3yo was rocking out to Imagination Movers in the back seat with the speakers set to the rear and fairly loud. Me, wearing my obnoxiously large sunglasses with tears streaming down my face. Why? Because I feel broken, (see several other posts about how being sick sucks) and worn down. I was crying... my eyes out. Silent mommy sobs, do you know the type? The type when your little one says "mommy can you get my drink cup for me" you can suddenly switch from sobbing mommy to "sure thing baby" in a flip of a switch... that was me - 2 days ago.

Then my phone rang....

My 17 year old nephew called me, to say hi, and he realized I was crying. I tried to hide it from him, but he's smart - that kid. He pulled the "I'm not a kid, I know somethings wrong, so talk to me". I told him, "I'm scared" and we talked about the medical tests, etc., and he said "what are you scared of?" I got quiet. I said, "I'm thinking selfishly, and I'm too ashamed to tell you what I'm scared of...." he said "Aunt S~ Just tell me, I'm here to listen".... so I did. I told him I was scared of something being terribly wrong and me leaving my kids behind.... very much like with his father's death. Sudden.

Then I got learned a lesson or two....

...from a boy, or young man rather, who is wise WAY beyond his years (and I don't even think he knows it). He said "when daddy had his first reaction the year before he died and was put on a ventilator and literally died then - but they saved him, he knew leaving the hospital that his life would forever be about what if it happens again... but it didn't stop him from living each day to the fullest, and enjoying the moment. Aunt S~, if you are spending your time worrying about "what if" then you're wasting what time you are given to enjoy right NOW." I sobbed. Then he said more... my nephew is strong in his faith and reminded me that sometimes in life, things happen to us to prepare us or thicken our skin for bigger, harder times. And maybe, this is a test of my faith.

All I could do was smile and cry...

I couldn't say much back to that, and he had to get off the phone right quick. But you know, today 3 times today that young man has remembered me - and called me, text messaged me, and called again - all to see how I AM DOING. What a man he has become, and how proud am I to be called his Aunt. Between having gone through his parents divorcing when he was younger, and growing up with BOTH of his parents raising him to stick to family values even through that divorce, they agreed that what was important was to make sure that he was raised to live his life with values... You have NO CLUE how much he made me think.... I do feel like total crap, and went back to the doctor today with more abnormal labwork (will post later) but here's a young man, who's daddy is gone forever, who's a teenager, probably has some girl chasing him around, and has better things to do then to call his crazy arse Aunt who's freaking out.... but he did - and that's because he has a great set of family values and he has morals that are inflexible. I'm thankful to have him in my life, what I've wanted more then anything these past few weeks is to talk to my brother (and believe me I've done that outloud) but obviously I can't hear him talk back - what I've found is that he speaks to me even though he's not here. His value system, and ethics are forever embedded in those kids. I'm not too ashamed to say that my 17 year old nephew schooled me on 'having some hope and living for today'. Thanks N - you rock.

when fluff isn't enuf

I've been posting fluff here and there and recently decided to let go and post about a problem that's really bugging me. A medical mystery, I'm walking around in my body wondering - what is wrong? Physically wrong. So - thanks to many encouraging emails, tweets and comments from my bloggieland gang - I'm posting about what is REALLY going on.... So, I'm sorry in advance for the buzz kill.

Today - I went to the Rheumatologist, he's a terrific doctor. My mom met me there, thank heavens - I really needed her. He pr6vided me with alot of information, but no real "leads" as to this mystery of what's going on inside of me. He did make me feel less of a freak for the panic attacks, reminding me that the brain can really really have a "mind of it's own" when it comes to emotions, triggers, and such. He assured me that he understood my panic, and that I had a valid reason for feeling it - even though I DONT WANT THE DANG PANIC!! I can't control it.

His take on my ANA Titer rate being 1:640 speckled.... well, it was that same pattern in 2004, then in 2005 when I was pregnant, I went back to "normal" which was 1:80 - he explained thats often the case during pregnancy. My pregnancy was 'high risk' because I carry the "lupus factor" but I had ZERO symptoms during the pregnancy.... after the pregnancy, in 2006 - back to 1:640. And here we are again with those same numbers. I'm "a-symptomatic", I have obvious raynauds disease and we've known that for 5 years (my original reason for going to him)... my feet turn solid blue just in a regular air conditioned room. My fingers turn white and blue and hurt terribly in a grocery store in the freezer/dairy area - this has been 'normal' for me for about 8 years now...this doesn't hinder my daily activities, and is really more of a nuisance than anything... and has nothing at all to do with my current symptoms!! But for future reference, I'm walking around with the Lupus "factor".... it's just good to know that he doesn't feel like that's what it is - THIS time. THANKFULLY.

SO - long story short, next thing to do, he took 6 very large tubes of blood (which may explain why I feel like total crap right now) in order to do further autoimmune testing... and then get a Hida Scan next Tuesday at 10am to see if my gall bladder is the cause. Pain in my upper right abdomen, under ribs, radiates from there to my back, up to my shoulders, and today - it decided it would radiate to my left side. I hate this - call me a whiner, because I'm being one.... I'm for once in my life as weak as I can be. Mentally I'm drained, weak and not at all ashamed to admit it. I'm losing my mind, or at least I feel like I am.

So today, just as I thought I was about to lose my mind, I opened a bag my mom gave me as I was leaving... and inside was a sweet card and this Willow Tree figurine "Hope lifts us up".

"Hope lifts us up"

worried, scared, and trying to keep it together

This post has been a struggle. Do I want to write it or not? Anyway - here it is...

I'm not sure what's going one with me. I'm SCARED. I've been having chronic pain that is in my upper right side, near the lower rib cage area, that radiates to my back, and center abdomen as well as near my right kidney area and upper right shoulder blade. I have no nausea or vomiting (classic gallbladder symptoms) and 2 weeks ago a ultrasound at the hospital ruled out gall stones. I'm paranoid. The doctor started treating me for an ulcer, which has relieved SOME of the symptoms in the center abdomen, and has also given me a medication for anxiety attacks. Because I'm having them, full on anxiety attacks. While I'm writing this - my mind is in a million places, and alot of those thoughts are bad ones - like - what if's and then I get into a panic....

I'm scared to death, did I mention that? My doctor ran several lab tests, and everything came back "normal" except my ANA Titer rate which was the one test that I randomly requested. It came back 1:640 speckled. This is a test that is used as a diagnostic tool in autoimmune diseases, but isn't limited to autoimmune. I have an appointment with a rheumatologist on Wednesday. The test results could mean alot of things, and the Internet is my enemy - because "alot of things" turn out to be pretty bad things when I look them up. My symptoms are internal. I'm freaking out - the pain isn't getting any better, it's a constant problem - every day, all day. I am taking Tylenol every 4 hours to dull the pain, as per the doctors orders - because she feels like it may possibly be 'referred pain' if it is gall bladder disease. So I'm giving Elvis a run for his money with the amount of meds I'm taking, both OTC and prescribed...

I'm supposed to hear back about an appointment for Hida Scan next week. I was told by the doctor that you can have a diseased gallbladder and have no stones... But what explains the titer rate?? I'm trying my best to have faith and keep a positive attitude - but that kindof gets hard somedays....

seeking clarity

I'm still around, and will try to get back to my normal blogging self soon....

Went to the doctor for some fairly strange physical symptoms, then opened up a can of emotions and then just weirdness....

I'm not a nut case (well ok maybe I am), but I am evidently very depressed or having panic attacks. To the point, it's affecting me physically, and I'm allowing morbid thoughts about my own mortality to consume me and having fears about life/death/etc. that consume my thoughts. There's some physical things going on, and I hope to get some resolve on those - but for now, my physician thinks everything stems from the last 5 years when stress, traumatic events, major life events, relationship changes due to death and various other reasons, major changes in our lives. It all seemed to be physical - fatigue, appetite loss, then in a snap it turned into crying, pure panic, fears, sadness, worry, etc.

Just being honest. I promise not to write a bunch of soppy crap on here that makes whoever reads my blog sad too.... just like to be honest about who I am, and what I'm dealing with.

Pray for me.... and those of you who read this that don't pray, do what you do too....

LLYWD - one step at a time

A new path...
My mom bought me a book for my birthday, it's filled with quotations, interviews with some random people, statements, and biblical references about how you should let go, and love, accept, and forgive and forget. It couldn't have come at a more appropriate time in my life. Lately, I'm sitting around wondering "what is THAT about???" or "WHY and what GIVES??" about many things in this crazy life of ours. I have to LET GO, let go of the 'what if's' about this life and what's gone on in it. I LET IT GO. Laying my burdens down. I want to live like I am dying (because in all reality - we ALL are, someday)... One of my favorite excerpts about life from the book I received: Live: With passion and purpose, and mission and meaning and with a little wild abandon. With no forgiveness withheld and no anger held within. I just want to live life with my husband, love him and my family, and be happy while watching these two boys of ours grow into men.

I'm going to try to journal my "bucket list". But it's not really a huge deal bucket list, so I'm calling my list the LLYWD list. (live like you were dying) It's really nothing spectacular or over the top (yet!) - but it's mine ;).

One thing on my list is to take a vacation on a COMPLETE WHIM. And we're going next week ;-). I sat here just now, talked to the hubs, and we decided, and we booked it. Dangit - our family deserves a pick me up. Recently, this whole household has felt a downer and it's not fair, so we're gonna reward ourselves with a quick 3 day getaway before school starts back. I've always been a planner, when it comes to things like vacation - but hey, you only live once, right?? Baby steps turned into a giant leap.

letting go...

Looking in another direction
Each time something drastic occurs, we take a new path, my husband and I and our two kids. You can't do anything about what this life hands you by way of tragic events, but you CAN do something about how it affects you. I'm challenging myself, to live like I am dying. To forget about all of the 'wrong' that has been done to me, or my idea of the 'wrong', to realize and embrace differences and accept people for WHO THEY ARE in my life, to FORGIVE & FORGET, FOR LIFE, FOR LOVE, FOREVER. As Charlotte Bronte once said "Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs." I have LET IT GO!! There's no point in holding on to anything that feels "wrong" inside, right??

So I started my own little 'bucket list' after watching two people in my life die in the past 3 years. One KNEW she was dying and showed me what love, forgiveness, and absolute grace looked like while each day stepping closer to her death. She had a hand in planning her funeral, and made it her last wish that during HER funeral, those that were closest to her felt like SHE was there with them. The other had NO IDEA that his day was August 6, 2007. He knew that life was precious, he had a few scares the year before. He did not take one person in his life for granted, he did not let the sun go down on his feelings. At his funeral, the song 'live like you were dying' was played and it's taken me 2 years to really be able to listen to the words. The words have hit me like a ton of bricks this week, as if to say "hey you idiot, get with it, you're not getting any younger by the day!!" My upbringing was that I should not take any day for granted, and that the sun should not go down on our feelings - and some days, and some situations that's easier said then done. I think the saying goes "Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift, That's why it's called the Present"..... it's time to live like we're dying.

on day at a time...

Thinking back
I made an appointment with my regular physician not too long ago and sat down with her for a 1 hour consult. I wondered, do I need medical intervention to help me cope with my feelings of anxiety, and at times feelings of general depression? I haven't felt like 'me' in a very long time. During the last 4 years of our lives, there's been some pretty big stuff. ALL of which has, in its own way, impressed upon me how very fragile this life is and can be...

She asked "what has occurred to make you FEEL different about your life".... I replied, "In 2004 my father had quadruple bypass surgery... also, in 2004 we moved into a new house, a brand new adventure, our first mortgage, and sometime that same year I was told I have Lupus symptoms - likely flared up due to stress. Then in January of 2005 my husband had a sudden heart attack which resulted in triple bypass surgery, 3-4 months later we found out we were pregnant and the pregnancy was high risk due to various circumstances determined by my ob/gyn, but things went very smoothly until delivery... that was a bit of a chaotic situation, but everyone turned out ok in the end. During that pregnancy, my stepmother was diagnosed with a rapid and terminal cancer. She died when my son was 10 months old in 2006. And, then in August of 2007, my brother died. Since then, my husband's been through 2 layoffs with his job, and it sometimes seems like we're paddling upstream." But we've been BLESSED too, little J was born healthy, and after surgery big J is healthy, my dad is healthy, and lots of other things are pure blessings in our lives.

HOLY CRAP she looked at me like I had four heads. Even though I'm POSITIVE there are people with much more then that in their lives, I think she was poorly prepared for what I had to say just by her expression and tears. She offered me her hugs, and her tears, and her tissues. She told me that she was very suprised that I hadn't had serious anxiety, and that some people even have PTSD after some of these events. She gave me a medication to take for 3 months only. I took it for 4 weeks, and ended up feeling even more void then I felt before, so she recommended I come off of it completely and begin deep breathing exercises and try to manage my stress and anxiety on my own as long as it didn't become depression I'd be ok - in her professional opinion. My opinion?? HA. I think I'm a nutjob most of the time....

So - One day at a time....

Acceptance

One night this past week I received a phone call from both my niece and nephew - on the same night... but separately. Both were going through something. My nephew more a problem that he needed to vent about, and had my brother been here on this earth - I fully believe he'd have called him to blow off steam. My niece cried to me on and off for about 1 hour on the phone talking about how she had went to her daddy's grave to talk to him, and how it wasn't fair that all the daddies who give up their kids, beat their kids, and don't care about their kids are still in this world... and how unfair it is that HER daddy DID love her, DID take really good care of her, and how he woke up EVERY day and put family first - how unfair it is that he had to die. She's going into 6th grade and my brother ALWAYS made a huge deal about school with her, and she's having a very difficult time right now with everything. She's having a REALLY hard time accepting it. Who could blame her?

I'm having a difficult time too, it was hard to hear the sadness and frustration in their voices. I listened to her cry, and listened to my nephew vent and thought to myself how very unfair it does all seem. We've been shorted, those kids have been shorted, and even though I know there's a purpose for everything in this life - that doesn't make it hurt less, nor does it make any sense on the "why". How do you answer "why my daddy??" to a little girl who longs for her fathers hug, scruffy face after a long day at work... you can't do anything but simply say "honey, I don't understand either, and you're right it's NOT fair." Saying that over and over, does NOT make the hurt go away - not for her, or for me. I find some peace in telling her that God must have REALLY needed some SERIOUS manpower up there... because my brother IS the man for THAT job. Even THAT, does NOT make the pain go away. I'm human, and so is she. Pain is real, and I'm not going to pretend it's not there. Simply put - I am not happy about it, and I don't like it!! But I have to accept it...

We're rounding the corner to a two year anniversary of his death.... but saying 'anniversary of his death' just sounds out of place to me, sounds heartless. It's not a party kind of day, and when I think anniversary I think party, cards, balloons, etc. So, two years and I'm not ready to shut up about it, I'm not ready to quit blogging about it, I'm not ready to stop posting that same TIRED picture I keep posting because it captures in one expression exactly who my brother is/was/always will be to me... I'm not ready to quit being angry, sad, upset, hurt, torn, stressed, overwhelmed, broken down, beat up, ripped apart, confused, lost, melancholy, depressed at times, empty, and overall - just down right crushed. I'm not ready to say "it's getting easier" because that's a lie. I'm not ready to say "I'm at peace" because that's a lie. and I'm pretty sure neither of those kids are either.... same goes for the rest of my family. But we have to accept it...

Robert Frost - Acceptance
When the spent sun throws up its rays on cloud
And goes down burning into the gulf below,
No voice in nature is heard to cry aloud
At what has happened. Birds, at least must know
It is the change to darkness in the sky.
Murmuring something quiet in her breast,
One bird begins to close a faded eye;
Or overtaken too far from his nest,
Hurrying low above the grove, some waif
Swoops just in time to his remembered tree.
At most he thinks or twitters softly, 'Safe!
Now let the night be dark for all of me.
Let the night bee too dark for me to see
Into the future. Let what will be, be.'

TWC - WTH were you thinking???

I'm going to take a moment and do what my husband may say I do best at times, and rant. So instead of my typical fluff posting of recent months, I'm going to make this one all about complaining and ranting.... if that bugs you - then I guess, well, what are you doing still reading???

Gather round' kids, it's storytime in Sarahland... actually I'm going to give the cliffnotes version.

We opted out of TWC for our cable provider after 12 long years of service with them, so last Saturday we took the cable box back and made sure that our internet service would stay the same, because it's the only really decent internet provider in the area. SO, I get my receipt showing canceled cable service and remaining internet service and we're on our way. We already had Direct TV installed several weeks ago and were having problems with a few channels so we had a service appt. set for Thursday of last week to get that corrected, so fast forward to Thursday...

Thursday morning after we got home from taking big E to school, I decided to stick little J in the bath because he was really stuffy and a bath always seems to help open his airways up a bit when he's stuffy. While he was playing in the bath DTV called me to ask if they could come to the house early because of schedule changes on their end and I asked them to give me 15 min to get the kid out of the bath, but otherwise, sure. So I get little J out of the bath and get downstairs to see a Time Warner Cable van in my driveway (yes, NOT Direct TV)?? I was puzzled, so I stepped outside and asked the total arsehole gentleman what he was there for, and he said to me in a condescending voice "ma'am, you DID change your services" and I replied, "right, but no one notified me that you'd be here today and I didn't receive a courtesy call, which has always been the case in the past 12 years with you guys so I hope you can understand why I am puzzled that you're here." (needed the jerk to know I wasn't an idiot to their practices in general) He again replied "ma'am (as if I'm 12) I'm here to downgrade your services, ok?" I'm a bit annoyed because he's pulling the waffle house "ok sweetie" tone with me that I loathe and I decided to leave it alone, I said "Ok, please verify on your work orders that our internet service is to remain the same" he said AGAIN with the "you idiot" tone "yes, you're downgrading your CABLE because you opted out of CABLE ma'am, not internet, your internet will not be interrupted because that's an entirely different line".... I said "great!! thanks, and have a great day!!" and walked in the house....

5 minutes later, when he was leaving my driveway - my internet was DOWN. So I called TWC, got the run around for several minutes then finally they called him over dispatch after I told them that this seemed almost intentional and I hear him say "oh, I thought I had disconnected the right one but I wasn't sure." RIGHT - wasn't sure my rear end. So they tell me he's headed back to our house and after his tone and attitude w/ me I asked them that he not even come to the door this time, just do what he needs to do outside and leave. I was furious!

Direct TV arrives during my phone call, and he's amused, he also tells me that HE could reconnect it for me at the outside box but he'd just let TWC do their thing.... SO, TWC arrives shortly after DTV does, and that was interesting. The TWC guy is in the yard for a while and I tell the DTV guy who's in my house that I need to go stick the kid in the bed for his nap and I'll be back in 2 minutes, I walk back down my stairs and guess who let himself in (without knocking) the TWC guy!! I asked the DTV guy if HE let him in and he said "NO MA'AM, I'd get fired for that!!"... so this guy let himself into my house!!!! Not only that, he didn't even speak to me, just stood there staring at me while he put his shoe covers on. I finally said "do you need to ck my modem or something?" he nodded yes, and I pointed him to it. He was upstairs for 15 min, then walked out of the house, then WALKED BACK IN without knocking (each time before with TWC and with DTV, anytime they come or go they knock... courtesy? Anyway, the last time he walked in, he came into the kitchen, said "its up" and then walked off.... nothing else. No apology, no have a good day - nothing.

The Direct TV guys had to pick their jaws up off of the ground and couldn't believe how the man treated me. All I can say is WOW. Daniel with Time Warner Cable, WOW. You have to know that I fully understand that people have bad days, people make mistakes, it happens - but letting yourself into someones home is not appropriate.... knock first dude.

So I want to know - TWC, what the HE%# kind of service is that after spending TONS on cable and internet for the past 12 years???? We're debating on dropping internet and going with a different provider, the only problem with that is I've had the same email address for a VERY long time, and so has my hubs. We both depend on that email address for our income to a degree, because we both do alot of work from home.... argh - I'm frustrated...... Took a photo of the two vans in my driveway because it was amusing at one point or another - took it with the crappy camera because I didn't want to be obvious and walk out to the yard and take a good one with the good camera. I haven't handled this with the company yet - but I plan to - this week, somehow.

frustrated

You ever get frustrated and drop the “damn” or worse, “sh&%!”?? I do, I’m not too proud to admit this fault of mine. I have to be accountable when I do this, especially when it’s in front of my kids. I know this has it’s drawbacks because my 3yo heard me say “holy crap” when I slammed on brakes ONE TIME and ever since then he says “holy crat (he uses a T)” each time I tap my brakes if I’m having to do so in the city traffic. I’ll never live it down.

Which brings me to what happened today at school… Big E generally hops in the car and tells me all about his day. This particular day he says to me “so, in art class today we were working on our self-portriats and I was really working hard on mine… some of the kids weren’t listening to the teacher and he got really frustrated with them.” I said “how so?” and big E says “well, he said a bad word to the kids to make them listen”, I said, “hmm, which one, you have my permission to repeat it for this conversation only” and big E said “well, he said you kids aren’t listening to a damn thing I’m saying.” Then he went on about the rest of his day like it was no big deal…. But it was a big deal. One of my best friends is an elementary school teacher, another friend is a college teacher, and I even have a friend who teaches in highschool – all of which would tell me it can become very frustrating at times…. Even to the point of wanting to scream at the kids who just don’t show respect. But that doesn’t make it ok, and they’d be the first to say it.

I contacted the school, was put on the phone w/ the principle and I briefly told her that I was just a little surprised by what E told me…she said she’d have the teacher be in touch w/ me and she’d handle things on her end. I felt like a tattle tale, like a person ratting someone out… why? Because I did what I thought was right and in today’s world of ‘just leave well enough alone’ that’s not generally accepted! I told her I didn’t want a call from the teacher, but I did feel that my son deserved an apology, he deserved a grown up being a grown up and becoming accountable for their actions – because if it were MY kid who said damn in class… he’d have been put in ISS or suspended and held accountable. We’ll see where this goes…

morning

I'm still not a fan of changing time 2 x's a year, for me personally it screws with my head and our daily routine is just aggravating. I say let's keep it the same, all of the time, but that's just me. Now, when Jonathon gets home from work, it'll be getting dark and there will be limited outdoor time with the boys. That's been such a wonderful time for all of us! Oh well... So the kids went to bed alot later then usual, I went ahead and set the clocks at dinner time last night so that I wouldn't forget and we just went on that time for everyone's routines.

The little one was up at his normal time.... that is - 1 hour earlier then the NEW time. It didn't matter that I tried to trick his body into thinking it needed the right amount of sleep. He did the same as me, let his natural body timer get him up. I was awake at 545am (I'm usually up at 645am to work by myself w/o interruptions) but I had no problems falling back asleep. Naturally, he woke up around 630am (usually 730am for him). I went and got him, we came back to my bed and snuggled quietly for 1 hour :). Maybe a few days of that and he'll get the picture, or maybe I'll invest in that blackout curtain after all....It's not a big problem, just 1 hour, but sometimes 1 hour more of sleep means the world to me!!

As for the oldest and his dad, not even phased one bit. Go figure. So right now I'm being a even though I've committed to 30 days of thanks... I'm not at all happy with changing my clock back one hour. Wahhhh. Ok - rant over. It is what it is. I know that it'll take a few weeks to get our bodies in sync with the "new time". Grrr.