a game plan?

I visited a surgeon this morning, who reviewed my scans, and other tests. After 3 months (my first post about this problem is HERE)of visiting different doctors, for various reasons, but all for the same basic complaint - I may have a game plan. He explained to me that it's 80% likely that removing my gall bladder will solve my pain. There's that chance of me being in the 20%ile of people who do not get pain relief after gall bladder removal. I COULD have an ulcer, I COULD have IBS, or some type of gastro-intestinal issue. He does not feel like what I have is presenting itself in a very obvious manner, but it does fit most of the criteria for a diseased gall bladder. He was very understanding, and realizes that I'm losing my mind with this! My frustration level is pegged, and I'm tired of popping pills EVERY DAY!

He suggested I go back on the 2 meds that were previously given to me for a potential Peptic Ulcer, and said if my problems are resolved simply by taking those meds that he does NOT want to do surgery. However, if the pain still persists then I likely need my diseased gall bladder removed. That it functions at 62% makes it one of those decisions that I get to make on my own. Anything below 50% they suggest removal. It's close, and it's very likely causing me some of the discomfort I have on a regular basis.

I'm just ready to feel better. I'm ready to toss out the pill bottles. So for now, surgery is scheduled for late January.

I'll blame the pills....

I wrote this about 2 weeks ago and just never posted it...

I'm on a good bit of meds, I'm sure I'll write some crazy post about that later..... so, my soapbox is brought on today by Klonipin mixed with some tears and thoughts about happier times, and filled with hopes and dreams for my future and for the future of our family and our kids... It's a long post - so if you stopped by for my usual quick photo and some short words - sorry, not today. Today - it's more like a mini rant and one that makes very little sense at that...

so what if it's not perfection

How important is your overall family closeness these days? My personal opinion...just like the old saying, everything starts and ends with family. Is it important that your family be so close that you know every good or bad deed that a member of your family has done? Not to me, maybe it used to be - but recently I've went from jaded about conflicts, and angry about deaths, to humbled about holding on tight to what's left... all in a whirlwind of major changes. Losses from deaths in my family, and grieving other losses, and suddenly - whamo - I've realized I'm not superhuman and I need my family - my peeps! The hubs and I talk alot about this and that, and it's important to us that our family whether near or far, be a part of shaping and molding our kids - because that's where are kids 'come from'! (that's a major run on sentence) My pipe dream = letting my kids know their roots - every single one of them. Somewhere I once heard it takes a village to raise a child.... I'm thinkin that village included family peeps. We haven't really tapped into the total wealth of that village - and I realize now more then ever, how very large our family is. I have family through marriage, and stepbrothers and sisters and nieces and nephews for days, and I hope to get to know them much better in the coming months since the holidays are around the corner!

Funded.... my reality Check

Speaking of family, I want to thank those in our family who have been there for me recently. I've never been in such a chaotic state of mind as I have been over the past month. I've had nuclear dye, iodine, barium shakes which literally blow arse btw, radiation from xrays and various other hospital cocktails provided to me in order to seek out what's going with my innards. So far the consensus is that I have a poorly functioning gall bladder (but not poorly enough for them to take it out??blows) and a couple of cysts. One on my liver, and one on my ovary. I also scored relatively high on a test, 1/640 on my ANA Titer rate, and pretty darn high on my SMA test too.... however, it seems that YAY - I'm a-symptomatic so I go back in a few months to see the Rheumy doc. Still more tests to come, and more about deciding what to do about it all.

My my reality check was that I was very discouraged and then my family and friends lifted me up and reminded me how, and where to find peace. I am reminded that there are no guarantee's in this life and that we should seek out the good in every day and not waste an ounce of it. I'm thankful to have been humbled, yet again, and realize now more then ever that this life, my life, is so precious of a gift.

accepting that somethings just "are"....

...isn't as easily done as it is said. However, in order to be happy in this life I am learning to accept that change is just something you get back after cashing in your "reality check". And what I do with that "change" is up to me. Me??? I plan to put it in my memory bank and spend it wisely...

I'm sure you've read or heard the serenity prayer and it should be my life's motto - but recently I stumbled upon a modified version that seems to just fit where I am right now in my life, because in this life if you want a change, that change has to start within you, right? Just for the record - I realize I am a nutjob lately.... I'm embracing the inner chaos.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me."

~Author unknown

when fluff isn't enuf

I've been posting fluff here and there and recently decided to let go and post about a problem that's really bugging me. A medical mystery, I'm walking around in my body wondering - what is wrong? Physically wrong. So - thanks to many encouraging emails, tweets and comments from my bloggieland gang - I'm posting about what is REALLY going on.... So, I'm sorry in advance for the buzz kill.

Today - I went to the Rheumatologist, he's a terrific doctor. My mom met me there, thank heavens - I really needed her. He pr6vided me with alot of information, but no real "leads" as to this mystery of what's going on inside of me. He did make me feel less of a freak for the panic attacks, reminding me that the brain can really really have a "mind of it's own" when it comes to emotions, triggers, and such. He assured me that he understood my panic, and that I had a valid reason for feeling it - even though I DONT WANT THE DANG PANIC!! I can't control it.

His take on my ANA Titer rate being 1:640 speckled.... well, it was that same pattern in 2004, then in 2005 when I was pregnant, I went back to "normal" which was 1:80 - he explained thats often the case during pregnancy. My pregnancy was 'high risk' because I carry the "lupus factor" but I had ZERO symptoms during the pregnancy.... after the pregnancy, in 2006 - back to 1:640. And here we are again with those same numbers. I'm "a-symptomatic", I have obvious raynauds disease and we've known that for 5 years (my original reason for going to him)... my feet turn solid blue just in a regular air conditioned room. My fingers turn white and blue and hurt terribly in a grocery store in the freezer/dairy area - this has been 'normal' for me for about 8 years now...this doesn't hinder my daily activities, and is really more of a nuisance than anything... and has nothing at all to do with my current symptoms!! But for future reference, I'm walking around with the Lupus "factor".... it's just good to know that he doesn't feel like that's what it is - THIS time. THANKFULLY.

SO - long story short, next thing to do, he took 6 very large tubes of blood (which may explain why I feel like total crap right now) in order to do further autoimmune testing... and then get a Hida Scan next Tuesday at 10am to see if my gall bladder is the cause. Pain in my upper right abdomen, under ribs, radiates from there to my back, up to my shoulders, and today - it decided it would radiate to my left side. I hate this - call me a whiner, because I'm being one.... I'm for once in my life as weak as I can be. Mentally I'm drained, weak and not at all ashamed to admit it. I'm losing my mind, or at least I feel like I am.

So today, just as I thought I was about to lose my mind, I opened a bag my mom gave me as I was leaving... and inside was a sweet card and this Willow Tree figurine "Hope lifts us up".

"Hope lifts us up"

Four Years!!

It's been 4 years since Jonathon's heart attack and heart surgery!!! Hard to believe four years. He's been keeping up with doctors orders, and so far has been told he's right on track with everything!

Last year I posted some details about that day... I can close my eyes and remember every last detail like it were yesterday. We're so grateful that he was in the right place at the right time and that all of the necessary people paid very close attention.

So, with that being said... you should go get your cholesterol checked. My husband is living proof that you don't have to be obese, or even eat really bad, to have heart disease... we didn't eat too terrible before this happened - it was genetics that played the role in his case.

catching up

I've been catching up from being w/o a computer, and now I'm trying to get ahead so we can go to the beach. We have a sweet little villa reserved at Folly Beach, and I can't wait! In the meantime... I found us a new camera, it's not a DSLR but it'll do and I'm figuring it out little by little. I bought it from a local photographer, it's only 6 months old and I got a steal of a deal on it! Our camera was 5 years old, nothing really wrong with it - just wanted to upgrade. I haven't figured it all out yet, but I have been snapping a few test photos here and there. The person who I bought it from showed me a few nifty tricks on a point and shoot that allows better clarity... and then she set it back to factory settings (go figure) while she was showing me all of the options. I guess she had some kind of idea that I was paying close attention? HA. So, now I'm trying to duplicate the settings she had so that I can have the same great crisp clear pictures she took while we were there!

The boys are great, it's been humid/hot and gross, so we've been staying cool indoors. We plan to go to the beach, Old Salem, and a few other exibits before Ezra goes back to school. He'll be a 5th grader!

Jesse visited the dermatologist for a minor skin irritation, and we're glad to know it's no biggie! It's superficial and will go away on it's own, and that's wonderful news!! Seems Jesse inherited fair skin.... so he's our little tomato toddler when he's been outdoors for a little while. He's also prone to skin irritations, contact dermatitis, and other little funky stuff that can all be fixed with the right amount of Aquaphor and sunscreen... good to know! The pediatric dermatologist was great with him and was impressed with how Jesse sat and let them poke and prod at him! After that was done, he excused himself from my lap to go play with the exam table up/down pedals. HA!

Before I figured out how to lock the frame and focus....

Jonathon handed his new iPhone over to the boys so they could call their cousins in Texas...

24-48 hours...

Why am I watching the clock? Because I went to the accounts office today, spent an hour w/ her taking care of some personal things; and while Jesse played with her toys and brought me this and that to look at - he somehow found marbles. You're already fast forwarding to the possibilities, right? Well - I didn't know that he had found marbles (Darlene didn't realize they were out of the box she keeps them in with the game), and was digging in my file sorter to get out some documents and within literally 30 seconds he found them, and tasted them. She's pretty sure that she only had 3, and the way I found out was within the few seconds of this transpiring, he coughed and acted as if he was choking and then spit one out. So - had he swallowed one, I'd assume he'd have reacted just like he did with just putting it in his mouth and gagging/spitting it out.

This goes to show that even though I pride myself in safety, staying home, and being 'here' for my kids - that vulnerability and dangers are always possible. I can't literally watch him 24/7. I should have done better at assessing the toys and doing a mental inventory.

What happened next? I felt stupid for not realizing she had marbles - yep, I cried and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I felt guilty for allowing my 2 year old to be in harms way when it's my job to assess the area that we're in when it's not home, where it's really policed for danger. Guilt makes me cry. I'm secure with that :) it makes me feel human.

Then... Darlene called her mom, who is a registered nurse in the ER; she told me to watch him for 24-48 hours with a mindful eye. She explained what to look for, and that most likely he did not swallow a marble if his reaction to having one in his mouth was to immediately gag and spit. She said if that made him gag, then trying to actually swallow one would have most likely resulted in choking. Darlene is 99.9% sure she had only 3 marbles; needless to say it still concerns me. Since then I've also called my ped, just to let them know of the worst case scenario and to find out what to do if I need to bring him in (i.e., make appt. or just show up?)... they told me the same things to look for as symptoms, etc. and also said that it sounded less likely that he swallowed it.

Life lesson for me was to pay better attention when we're in pubic - I take for granted that I prepare my home for our kids safety but I can't be so casual when it comes to somewhere else. I can't and won' t put my kids in a glass box, yet in this case I should have paid closer attention.

What am I doing now? Thanking my lucky stars that he didn't choke right then and there; and waiting 24-48 hours for any symptoms that I was told to look for... and I'm now officially on poop patrol. Fingers are crossed. I'm also officially not letting him watch My Fair Lady because then he'll want to practice talking w/ marbles ;)!