Friday, October 23, 2009

I'll blame the pills....

I wrote this about 2 weeks ago and just never posted it...
I'm on a good bit of meds, I'm sure I'll write some crazy post about that later..... so, my soapbox is brought on today by Klonipin mixed with some tears and thoughts about happier times, and filled with hopes and dreams for my future and for the future of our family and our kids... It's a long post - so if you stopped by for my usual quick photo and some short words - sorry, not today. Today - it's more like a mini rant and one that makes very little sense at that...

so what if it's not perfection

How important is your overall family closeness these days? My personal opinion...just like the old saying, everything starts and ends with family. Is it important that your family be so close that you know every good or bad deed that a member of your family has done? Not to me, maybe it used to be - but recently I've went from jaded about conflicts, and angry about deaths, to humbled about holding on tight to what's left... all in a whirlwind of major changes. Losses from deaths in my family, and grieving other losses, and suddenly - whamo - I've realized I'm not superhuman and I need my family - my peeps! The hubs and I talk alot about this and that, and it's important to us that our family whether near or far, be a part of shaping and molding our kids - because that's where are kids 'come from'! (that's a major run on sentence) My pipe dream = letting my kids know their roots - every single one of them. Somewhere I once heard it takes a village to raise a child.... I'm thinkin that village included family peeps. We haven't really tapped into the total wealth of that village - and I realize now more then ever, how very large our family is. I have family through marriage, and stepbrothers and sisters and nieces and nephews for days, and I hope to get to know them much better in the coming months since the holidays are around the corner!

Funded.... my reality Check
Speaking of family, I want to thank those in our family who have been there for me recently. I've never been in such a chaotic state of mind as I have been over the past month. I've had nuclear dye, iodine, barium shakes which literally blow arse btw, radiation from xrays and various other hospital cocktails provided to me in order to seek out what's going with my innards. So far the consensus is that I have a poorly functioning gall bladder (but not poorly enough for them to take it out??blows) and a couple of cysts. One on my liver, and one on my ovary. I also scored relatively high on a test, 1/640 on my ANA Titer rate, and pretty darn high on my SMA test too.... however, it seems that YAY - I'm a-symptomatic so I go back in a few months to see the Rheumy doc. Still more tests to come, and more about deciding what to do about it all.
My my reality check was that I was very discouraged and then my family and friends lifted me up and reminded me how, and where to find peace. I am reminded that there are no guarantee's in this life and that we should seek out the good in every day and not waste an ounce of it. I'm thankful to have been humbled, yet again, and realize now more then ever that this life, my life, is so precious of a gift.
accepting that somethings just "are"....
...isn't as easily done as it is said. However, in order to be happy in this life I am learning to accept that change is just something you get back after cashing in your "reality check". And what I do with that "change" is up to me. Me??? I plan to put it in my memory bank and spend it wisely...
I'm sure you've read or heard the serenity prayer and it should be my life's motto - but recently I stumbled upon a modified version that seems to just fit where I am right now in my life, because in this life if you want a change, that change has to start within you, right? Just for the record - I realize I am a nutjob lately.... I'm embracing the inner chaos.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me."

~Author unknown

6 comments:

Brooke said...

Aww sweetie... At least you CAN blame the pills.. (that was suppose to be funny btw)..
I have a rather large extendsd family however, we never talk, email, send gifts, etc... One of my cousins has eight (or is it nine now) kids... I haven't met a single one of them... It's sad I know... Great now I think I'm not making sense.. Can I blame it on Lil Kiwi not sleeping at night or during the day... hehee
In the end, it's not how much you have but rather how you embraced it... (hugs)

WackyMummy said...

Keeping you in my thoughts. (((hugs)))

punkinmama said...

Major (((hugs))) from me to you. Hope you will get some answers soon on what exactly can be done to help you feel better. You deserve to feel your best!

I grew up not knowing most of my family (mostly due to distance) and my Hubs doesn't have a large family, so I'm hoping that regardless of our immediate family size, that Punkin will know his cousins, aunts/uncles, and consider them some of his best friends!

Kara @ His, Hers and Ours said...

I live by the serenity prayer. I have it next to my front door, and make a mental note of it every time I leave my house.

And good for you for vocalizing your feelings. And as such, they are very valid, and make up you...the good, the bad, and the ugly. And good for you for seeking out your family, and having them be a part of your kid's lives. I wish I had family to do that with as well.

Very well written post, and you didn't scare me away one bit!

(((HUGS))) to you!! I hope they are able to figure out what's going on with you SOON!!

Alicia said...

Praying for you, Sarah. I didn't realize you had so much on your plate, my friend.

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said...

Oh, big big hugs. You're in my thoughts; I hope that everything can be resolved sooner than later.