Saturday, September 5, 2009

it's a hard knock life...or is it?

Whatever hit me last Thursday night seems to have been some really funked up intestinal issues along with a crazy onset of random anxiety. I'll be honest, when I felt the cramping (which happened WAY before any anxiety) I instantly freaked out. I've never been a hypochondriac in my life and this really took me (and everyone who is close to me) by surprise. I began (and still often think about it) wondering about my own mortality, and thinking about my stepmom and her battle with cancer. I started getting documents in order, doing things in panic, worrying about things that I've NEVER even given second thought too.... like, how will my 3yo feel if mommy isn't here, how will he understand if something terribly bad happens to me? He's only 3 and depends on me so much.... I worried about how much I'd miss in this life, how this and how that.... what if's were tormenting me. And that is NOT me!!! Anyone who REALLY knows ME, knows that I'm not a pessimistic, negative, morbid thinking person at all.
Up and down I went, back and forth on this crazy roller coaster of emotions, and physical body aches. I felt like I didn't want to be left alone, I needed my husband with me at all times. NO ONE in my immediate circle of friends, and NO ONE in my family could understand or "get" what was/is going on. My brother Chris has called me 7-10 times per day, because in our entire life he said I'd been steady as a rock in this crazy and often chaotic life. Even told me that he often thought of me as the one who really looked at things clearly and positively even when things were REALLY crappy. My dad came to visit me, my mom came to visit me, I'm sure my husband called his family and told them his wife was going through some REALLY strange stuff...

The pains??? They're gone. And do I feel like a new woman YES. I will be honest, the doctor prescribed Celexa for general depression and Klonopin for anxiety and panic attacks... which I'd NEVER had before and WOW that's a situation I never want to be in again. Do I think I suffer from depression, given the last 5 years and some very recent upsets - yes probably so. After talking to the doctor EVERY DAY for 4 days, and she and the nurses all seem to think it sounded like GAD but that doesn't just hit you like a ton of bricks, that's a slow progressing disorder that occurs over a period of time.... so I guess I'm a freakshow. Today - I feel like me. Yesterday I felt like me. And being honest?? I did NOT take more then 3 days of the Celexa because I was in the bathroom WAY too often with that medication. I will see her again in 2 weeks for labwork and she said she'd review my lab work before deciding on another course of treatment with SSRI's, mom thinks I have a Thyroid disorder since she had 90% of hers removed in her 20's due to Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I did use 1/2 of a .5 Klonopin two times a day for 4 days and, well, if it helped then it helped. But I didn't notice a huge difference.

I talked to a n'bor who told me she had a sudden onset of very strange intestinal concerns, and they lasted a week. Made her very dizzy, faint, weak, and like mine - no fever and no vomiting (sorry, TMI?) etc. Last night, I talked to another friend who's going through the exact same thing. Maybe it's a virus....but it sure got me thinking about my mortality and all of the crappy things that seem to happen to my family and THAT'S where I have to get back on track.
I start counseling next Thursday. About two MONTHS after a sudden change in a personal relationship that I'm grieving over, ONE year after layoffs began (two times now for our household), TWO years after my brothers death, THREE years after my stepmom's death, FOUR years after my husband nearly died, and FIVE years after I nearly lost my dad, SIX years after we fought a huge battle to win custody of big E for his own safety and well being..... I'm going to grief counseling.
Yep - I'ts official, I'm not superwoman (never have been - what a shame??!!), and that I'm human and I need encouragement. So, instead of feeling like the world's often shoving it's foot in my face, I plan to get back to the bassackwardsmom who realizes that when there are upsets in my life, I have to use those opportunities to grow myself and look even harder at ALL of the blessings I have.