Brush Brush Brush!

Ezra is shocked that Jesse can hold a toothbrush like a 'big kid' ... well, I am too! Gosh kids grow fast!!

Birthday Party Hopping!

Party at Dad's house for Marianna and Trent, my neice and nephew. This is one big crowd! Can't wait to see how Christmas is at their new house. And to imagine, not all of the family was there. There are also a few pics from Alexis's party (1st birthday), Jesse had a blast - especially with the balloons. Or 'balls' as he calls them. Saturday was a day spent partying :)

It's just not the same.

I've been reading a book that a friend sent me 'The Red Sea Rules', in it there are 10 rules to live by that help us through trouble and sorrow. This book was sent to me shortly after my brother, Mike passed away. I'm only at chapter 4 right now, and I've found some peace in reading. I've found that others are giving me inspirational words, and sometimes they're absolutely what I need to hear - at other times though, they seem nothing more then a cliche. I realize they're heartfelt and well wishes of sincerity - and I appreciate every kind word. Life though, is just not the same. I went yesterday to two birthday parties. I enjoyed the morning, went and finished up getting cards for the gifts, got ready to head out for the day - and got in the car to travel to the parties and picked up my phone, only to pause. I couldn't call Mike! I wanted to call him, tell him about my weekend plans as usual. Then my heart felt empty and I suddenly went from being somewhat ok, to the rush of emotion and panic that he's really gone.

I arrived at the first party and had a blast watching a close friend of mine live up the wonder of her daughter's 1st birthday. There were gifts, children running around, laughter and love. These are the things that make every sad thing in the world seem to go away for a moment. Watching the faces of friends and family while Alexis opens her gifts was amazing to me. I've began to look at things differently in the past month - even the birds chirping, or the soft summer breeze on a terribly hot day seem like such a pleasure. Maybe part of my learning how to accept Mike's death comes along with learning to appreciate more of life, Mike always appreciated the little things and had the most patience of anyone I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Then, I arrived at the 2nd party - it was at my dad's house for my niece Marianna and nephew Trent. There was an abundance of family as I walked in the door. There was my cousin and his wife and daughter. My uncle, my 5 step sisters - Susan's daughters and Denise's 2 daughters and daughter-in-law, 3 step brothers, 5 nephews and 1 niece. Dad and Denise. I walk in and it's just a house of laughter, fun, conversation, and all kinds of birthday decorations and gifts and food. I was overwhelmed with the sense of family, and at the same very moment that I became overwhelmed and proud - I became deeply saddened. MY brother wasn't there, and his kids. This sort of thing he would have came and enjoyed with his kids. We didn't get together too often as a family in general - usually all major holidays, sometimes on birthdays or large family events, but the times we did were very enjoyable. I missed him right then - I missed him when I watched as my dad has HIS brother there, as Denise's daugthers had THEIR brother there, and as Amanda and Gina had each other. It was a bit selfish of me, but I will admit I will forever be jealous. One of my brothers is forever missing. My heart feels like it's missing a major piece, and the way the world looks to me is never going to be the same. There's a bitter sweet realism of death - life goes on for all who are left behind. But life goes on differently, and I know that I'll never be the same.

The parties were a blast, the kids had so much fun, and they enjoyed them without a worry in the world. One thing I keep reading in the book, is 'God will make a way when there is no way.' While that seems completely unbelievable to me - it's obviously happening, or I wouldn't be able to function. My husband was in a christian music band w/ his brother and 2 of Heather's (his brother's wife) brothers. One of their songs was 'God will make a way when there is no way'. I listen to that song over and over lately - trying to think positively and fully trust that God WILL bring me through this, because that is God's promise in the Bible. That if he brings us to it, he will bring us through it. I'm banking on that promise right now, and it really is the ONLY way I make it through each day lately.

Carpools

Please tell me what mom has time to go to the school 45 min before they dismiss, specifically to get in the FRONT of the carpool line? I'd love to meet her. On the first few days of school I thought to myself " these people aren't getting here early, this is just new school year chaos'. The 2nd week of school I say that these moms are serious about carpooling! These mothers literally arrive 30+ minutes early. I can not do that!! I work from home, manage a toddler, manage a household, and drive appx 40 min ONE WAY with traffic issues to take and pick up Ezra from school. So, I humored myself today and decided to take a few pictures for blogging ... it's lame of me, I know. I have tried to arrive about 5 min earlier each day, and on this day I arrived 15 min before dismissal and ended up about 20-25th in line. There were just as many behind me as there were before me in line. The photos are in order showing what the road looks like turning in toward the school. The pictures closer to the school are not very good examples of what the situation looks like once I arrive... you turn in and wait to be directed into one of 7 'slots' to park and wait for your car rider(s). Once you pick up you're then directed to move out - a process that takes about 1,2 minutes once you actually get to the 'slots'. There's a man, the coach from Phys. Ed., who in 9 days of school has already learned most all of the vehicles and can use his walkie talkie to summons each car rider out to the loading area. I'm quite impressed with his memory. Especially that he can remember the name Ezra!! Excuse the poor photography, I was sitting in the drivers seat and didn't want to look like a creep taking pictures of Elementary Schools... just what the world needs huh?

A new 'first' for Jesse

Jesse loves going outdoors after dinner each night, and a new found favorite is to walk the block with daddy or mommy. Leaving our driveway and walking to the right is a slight downhill slope, and he loves to walk really fast on the sidewalk. He will walk a whole block if we agree to it. Well, tonight he ran, fell and scraped his knee up pretty bad. This is his first big boy knee scrape. How silly of me to journal about it, but I'm archiving it anyway so raspberries to all of you who think I'm a goofball!!

Labor Day, auto body damage, and Sign Language

It's labor day weekend, and we're hanging out at home. Ezra's out of school Monday, Jonathon's off of work, and oddly - so am I (from the work from home job, not the mommy/wife/etc part)... we don't really have plans. If the weather is ok tomorrow we may go up to the lake and feed the ducks and splash around at the water banks. Ezra would be happy just staying home playing with matchbox and hotwheels cars ... he's all about cars right now. Even planning which one he'd like to have when he's a grownup. He agrees that spending more then 20k on a new car is silly.... smart kid so far. I've officially paid all taxes on cars (Mecklenburg County even charges a special 30.00 per vehicle on top of regular county/city taxes), and had registration renewals on cars, and even a state inspection on mine today... which turned out to be an adventure. Since I work for the dealership (have for 7 years now) that's where I go for most things, while there for picking up I had my state inspection and oil changed. I had Jesse w/ me today - Ezra opted to stay home and play. Jesse and I ventured into the showroom where there's a $91.000 Saleen Mustang (yes, seriously) that has a $17,000 paint job - as we were walking (Jesse was walking) Jesse reached and grabbed one of the 'ropes' that was around it... to my dismay the poles the ropes were attached to were NOT attached/bolted into the floor. So the pole came crashing down onto this car, just above the right headlight and put a chip about the size of this: ** on the car. Ok, so this could happen with ANYONE, but it happened with ME!!! Why weren't they bolted down?? Well, all of that was irrelevant at this point, innocent mistake on an 17,000 dollar paint job. The sales manager was very disturbed, and at first thought I was playing a sick joke on him - but I reluctantly told him I was not. I ended up speaking with the owner about it, who eased my tears (yes, I cried - I felt horrible!) and worries by telling me that it could have happened with anyone, even could have been chipped on a test drive. He seemed more understanding then I expected, and made me feel at ease somewhat. But I still feel horrible, I mean - it's just a car - but GEEZ, it's a $91,000 one! Needless to say, after I left, at the end of the day - one of my co-workers called me and told me that they were planning to bolt the poles down - go figure.
Here are two pics of the actual car from our showroom floor (pre-damage of course) - one of them is a pic of the sticker, notice on the right hand side you can read 'paint - $17,000' WHO BUYS THESE THINGS?? Notice the pole in the picture? Well, that's the one that slammed into the car.

On to the importance of modeling and being consistent... Since Jesse was about 5,6 months old I've been trying to introduce sign language; and he's done well with understanding it since about 9-10 months old... actually doing it for me was another lesson in learning all together! He started doing a few things here and there, and from about 12 months forward he's just progressed with signs signs signs! Now, he's saying the words along with signing! Ok, so I'm proud. Indulge me will you? Excuse me being super silly in the video! He's signing 'eat' and saying it - with a strong emphasis on the 't' of eat. He's so funny. His vocabulary is growing so fast!!

A 'blah' kind of day.

Right now, I'm sitting at the kitchen table writing, drinking coffee and listening to my 18 month old babble. Life continues for us, and I have to figure out where my strength is because I have a family to take care of! Jesse's 18 month old well visit was Thursday, 3 shots, lots of talking with the doctor, and finding out that he's 'slightly' underweight for his age... the doctor seemed to be less concerned with the weight then me. I guess when he told me his percentile I just hear it as I'm not doing something right. Genetically he has my history of skinniness (is that a word??) to live up to! I guess I shouldn't worry, he's meeting all other developmental milestones and the doctor SAID not to worry... but I will keep a close eye on things anyway, just because that's what I do! ---break in blogging, thank goodness I saved this. Our power was out from 815am until appx 6pm, due to an accident, and according to Duke Power - 2 accidents. Appx 8000 customers without power in my area. The temp. in the house reached 80 and Jesse was in a diaper only, we 'tried' to nap - that didn't really work out... back to my thoughts... A general update on me that I really don't discuss in general! I have had potential cancer scares now for over 5 years, and have had biopsies each 3 months to determine my status; for 5 years I've had this monkey on my back and I've wondered whether I'd be told 'it's cancer' each time I had a test done. I had 3 tests done during my pregnancy, that easily could have effected my pregnancy, but they didn't cause any complications until delivery. I have Lupus symptoms down the chart, but because it's not full blown they don't call it 'lupus' yet. I still managed to have a healthy pregnancy and a baby without a heart block due to lupus complications. I get the phone call on August 3rd (Friday) from my nurse's at the OB/Gyn office about the new test results - and I sit on pins and needles... they call and tell me that I am IN THE CLEAR (for now)for the first time in 5 years. I didn't believe it - I even asked her to verify my ssn, my date of birth, and my full name to make sure they had the charts right. I was in the clear!!! I called in this order, husband, Mike, and parents. I'm constantly finding myself in a daze, wondering if all of this is real or if I'm in a bad dream... My phone doesn't ring nearly enough; I'm so used to having at least 2,3 calls a day from Mike during the work week and it's lonely without that. We both work for ourselves, and we both could be very flexible with phone calls - so losing that connection to his everyday life has really left me feeling like I got short changed. It's selfish isn't it?!? I keep asking WHY? I know I'll get my answers ONE day; but I guess the human in me just wants them NOW, and even IF I had them - I wouldn't be satisfied, because I wouldn't agree... My birthday was August 5, and I had been given the best gift in the world - being in the clear, for now with my health! My brother called me on August 5, 9am - my first phone call for my birthday. Our joke - "I got you the same thing I got you last year.... nothing!!" we both felt that gifts were a bit trivial at this point in life, that a card is nice, a gift is nice, but actually putting forth the effort to call - that's really meaningful. So we talked, we talked and then we talked again Monday August 6. I NEVER saw his death coming, just when you think everything is beginning to fall into place something tragic happens. I can say this - my brother, if he had any thoughts prior to his passing, knew he was loved. Right now, that's my peace, knowing that he KNEW he was loved, we had a terrific bond, his kids are absolutely amazing, and each person he met was lucky to meet such a man.

Life changes forever...

I can't even begin to express emotion right now; but I needed to document this somehow. We've lost a treasure, my brother, my friend, a father, a son, an uncle. My brother passed away on Monday, August 6, 2007 and it was very unexpected and has left us all in utter shock and sorrow. There are no words to describe how special he was and will always be to me. We talked each day! How proud I am to have been able to just call him, or hear from him each day and know the 'little things'. We had so much fun talking about life, kids, and just 'stuff' as he'd put it. I will write a special page all about him someday soon. I am so sad that Jesse will never know his Uncle Mike the way I had hoped for him too. Jesse is so small that he won't even remember the times they have shared together. I know that some of my close friends and family read this from time to time, so I will ask that each of you pray for Mike's children - they have a lifelong journey without their father. Those shoes can never be filled, Mike was a very involved father and spent every second with them that he had when he wasn't working. Haleigh is 9, Nicholas is 15. Please remember them in your prayers.

You can view/sign the obit/guestbook at:

http://www.legacy.com/Link.asp?I=LS000092314579X

Lazy 5 Ranch

We spent the day at the Lazy 5 Ranch - saw some really neat animals up close, some even stuck their heads in our vehicle!! We bought some food to feed them and had a blast. Ezra seemed more eager to play at the pirate ship playground while Jesse was amazed at all of the 'cats'.... EVERY animal is a cat right now. HA!!!

Everything IS bigger in Texas!! ((Hotter too))

I've not posted in a while! The month has just gone by so quickly! July 4th came and went with a n'hood bang! Some of the people in our community indulged in a 'big' firework show ... of course they were not legal fireworks, but they were great to watch from our back yard! We even enjoyed them for a few days after the 4th!!

July 14 we took the boys on their first flight out of state! Both of the boys did terrific w/ airport chaos/customs/etc - flights went smooth and we had a wonderful trip! The only discouraging part was leaving our family! We miss them dearly and absolutely enjoyed our time with them!! I will upload and add a link to more pics once I organize them; but for now here's a few w/ some comments on when/where they were taken.