It's just not the same.

I've been reading a book that a friend sent me 'The Red Sea Rules', in it there are 10 rules to live by that help us through trouble and sorrow. This book was sent to me shortly after my brother, Mike passed away. I'm only at chapter 4 right now, and I've found some peace in reading. I've found that others are giving me inspirational words, and sometimes they're absolutely what I need to hear - at other times though, they seem nothing more then a cliche. I realize they're heartfelt and well wishes of sincerity - and I appreciate every kind word. Life though, is just not the same. I went yesterday to two birthday parties. I enjoyed the morning, went and finished up getting cards for the gifts, got ready to head out for the day - and got in the car to travel to the parties and picked up my phone, only to pause. I couldn't call Mike! I wanted to call him, tell him about my weekend plans as usual. Then my heart felt empty and I suddenly went from being somewhat ok, to the rush of emotion and panic that he's really gone.

I arrived at the first party and had a blast watching a close friend of mine live up the wonder of her daughter's 1st birthday. There were gifts, children running around, laughter and love. These are the things that make every sad thing in the world seem to go away for a moment. Watching the faces of friends and family while Alexis opens her gifts was amazing to me. I've began to look at things differently in the past month - even the birds chirping, or the soft summer breeze on a terribly hot day seem like such a pleasure. Maybe part of my learning how to accept Mike's death comes along with learning to appreciate more of life, Mike always appreciated the little things and had the most patience of anyone I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Then, I arrived at the 2nd party - it was at my dad's house for my niece Marianna and nephew Trent. There was an abundance of family as I walked in the door. There was my cousin and his wife and daughter. My uncle, my 5 step sisters - Susan's daughters and Denise's 2 daughters and daughter-in-law, 3 step brothers, 5 nephews and 1 niece. Dad and Denise. I walk in and it's just a house of laughter, fun, conversation, and all kinds of birthday decorations and gifts and food. I was overwhelmed with the sense of family, and at the same very moment that I became overwhelmed and proud - I became deeply saddened. MY brother wasn't there, and his kids. This sort of thing he would have came and enjoyed with his kids. We didn't get together too often as a family in general - usually all major holidays, sometimes on birthdays or large family events, but the times we did were very enjoyable. I missed him right then - I missed him when I watched as my dad has HIS brother there, as Denise's daugthers had THEIR brother there, and as Amanda and Gina had each other. It was a bit selfish of me, but I will admit I will forever be jealous. One of my brothers is forever missing. My heart feels like it's missing a major piece, and the way the world looks to me is never going to be the same. There's a bitter sweet realism of death - life goes on for all who are left behind. But life goes on differently, and I know that I'll never be the same.

The parties were a blast, the kids had so much fun, and they enjoyed them without a worry in the world. One thing I keep reading in the book, is 'God will make a way when there is no way.' While that seems completely unbelievable to me - it's obviously happening, or I wouldn't be able to function. My husband was in a christian music band w/ his brother and 2 of Heather's (his brother's wife) brothers. One of their songs was 'God will make a way when there is no way'. I listen to that song over and over lately - trying to think positively and fully trust that God WILL bring me through this, because that is God's promise in the Bible. That if he brings us to it, he will bring us through it. I'm banking on that promise right now, and it really is the ONLY way I make it through each day lately.