Wednesday, October 7, 2009

when fluff isn't enuf

I've been posting fluff here and there and recently decided to let go and post about a problem that's really bugging me. A medical mystery, I'm walking around in my body wondering - what is wrong? Physically wrong. So - thanks to many encouraging emails, tweets and comments from my bloggieland gang - I'm posting about what is REALLY going on.... So, I'm sorry in advance for the buzz kill.

Today - I went to the Rheumatologist, he's a terrific doctor. My mom met me there, thank heavens - I really needed her. He pr6vided me with alot of information, but no real "leads" as to this mystery of what's going on inside of me. He did make me feel less of a freak for the panic attacks, reminding me that the brain can really really have a "mind of it's own" when it comes to emotions, triggers, and such. He assured me that he understood my panic, and that I had a valid reason for feeling it - even though I DONT WANT THE DANG PANIC!! I can't control it.

His take on my ANA Titer rate being 1:640 speckled.... well, it was that same pattern in 2004, then in 2005 when I was pregnant, I went back to "normal" which was 1:80 - he explained thats often the case during pregnancy. My pregnancy was 'high risk' because I carry the "lupus factor" but I had ZERO symptoms during the pregnancy.... after the pregnancy, in 2006 - back to 1:640. And here we are again with those same numbers. I'm "a-symptomatic", I have obvious raynauds disease and we've known that for 5 years (my original reason for going to him)... my feet turn solid blue just in a regular air conditioned room. My fingers turn white and blue and hurt terribly in a grocery store in the freezer/dairy area - this has been 'normal' for me for about 8 years now...this doesn't hinder my daily activities, and is really more of a nuisance than anything... and has nothing at all to do with my current symptoms!! But for future reference, I'm walking around with the Lupus "factor".... it's just good to know that he doesn't feel like that's what it is - THIS time. THANKFULLY.

SO - long story short, next thing to do, he took 6 very large tubes of blood (which may explain why I feel like total crap right now) in order to do further autoimmune testing... and then get a Hida Scan next Tuesday at 10am to see if my gall bladder is the cause. Pain in my upper right abdomen, under ribs, radiates from there to my back, up to my shoulders, and today - it decided it would radiate to my left side. I hate this - call me a whiner, because I'm being one.... I'm for once in my life as weak as I can be. Mentally I'm drained, weak and not at all ashamed to admit it. I'm losing my mind, or at least I feel like I am.

So today, just as I thought I was about to lose my mind, I opened a bag my mom gave me as I was leaving... and inside was a sweet card and this Willow Tree figurine "Hope lifts us up".

"Hope lifts us up"


WackyMummy said...

Oh, sweetie, so sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better soon. Will be praying for you.