The beautiful weather and wonderful temperatures come along with walks in the neighborhood. Jesse will walk a whole block (about 1/8 of a mile) as long as we let him - he loves to wave at cars going by, and stops to pick a flower or leaf off of any one's plants/bushes at the driveway. It's just so nice to finally have 70-80 degree weather - let's hope it lasts!!
I've been reading a book that a friend sent me 'The Red Sea Rules', in it there are 10 rules to live by that help us through trouble and sorrow. This book was sent to me shortly after my brother, Mike passed away. I'm only at chapter 4 right now, and I've found some peace in reading. I've found that others are giving me inspirational words, and sometimes they're absolutely what I need to hear - at other times though, they seem nothing more then a cliche. I realize they're heartfelt and well wishes of sincerity - and I appreciate every kind word. Life though, is just not the same. I went yesterday to two birthday parties. I enjoyed the morning, went and finished up getting cards for the gifts, got ready to head out for the day - and got in the car to travel to the parties and picked up my phone, only to pause. I couldn't call Mike! I wanted to call him, tell him about my weekend plans as usual. Then my heart felt empty and I suddenly went from being somewhat ok, to the rush of emotion and panic that he's really gone.
I arrived at the first party and had a blast watching a close friend of mine live up the wonder of her daughter's 1st birthday. There were gifts, children running around, laughter and love. These are the things that make every sad thing in the world seem to go away for a moment. Watching the faces of friends and family while Alexis opens her gifts was amazing to me. I've began to look at things differently in the past month - even the birds chirping, or the soft summer breeze on a terribly hot day seem like such a pleasure. Maybe part of my learning how to accept Mike's death comes along with learning to appreciate more of life, Mike always appreciated the little things and had the most patience of anyone I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.
Then, I arrived at the 2nd party - it was at my dad's house for my niece Marianna and nephew Trent. There was an abundance of family as I walked in the door. There was my cousin and his wife and daughter. My uncle, my 5 step sisters - Susan's daughters and Denise's 2 daughters and daughter-in-law, 3 step brothers, 5 nephews and 1 niece. Dad and Denise. I walk in and it's just a house of laughter, fun, conversation, and all kinds of birthday decorations and gifts and food. I was overwhelmed with the sense of family, and at the same very moment that I became overwhelmed and proud - I became deeply saddened. MY brother wasn't there, and his kids. This sort of thing he would have came and enjoyed with his kids. We didn't get together too often as a family in general - usually all major holidays, sometimes on birthdays or large family events, but the times we did were very enjoyable. I missed him right then - I missed him when I watched as my dad has HIS brother there, as Denise's daugthers had THEIR brother there, and as Amanda and Gina had each other. It was a bit selfish of me, but I will admit I will forever be jealous. One of my brothers is forever missing. My heart feels like it's missing a major piece, and the way the world looks to me is never going to be the same. There's a bitter sweet realism of death - life goes on for all who are left behind. But life goes on differently, and I know that I'll never be the same.
The parties were a blast, the kids had so much fun, and they enjoyed them without a worry in the world. One thing I keep reading in the book, is 'God will make a way when there is no way.' While that seems completely unbelievable to me - it's obviously happening, or I wouldn't be able to function. My husband was in a christian music band w/ his brother and 2 of Heather's (his brother's wife) brothers. One of their songs was 'God will make a way when there is no way'. I listen to that song over and over lately - trying to think positively and fully trust that God WILL bring me through this, because that is God's promise in the Bible. That if he brings us to it, he will bring us through it. I'm banking on that promise right now, and it really is the ONLY way I make it through each day lately.
Jesse loves going outdoors after dinner each night, and a new found favorite is to walk the block with daddy or mommy. Leaving our driveway and walking to the right is a slight downhill slope, and he loves to walk really fast on the sidewalk. He will walk a whole block if we agree to it. Well, tonight he ran, fell and scraped his knee up pretty bad. This is his first big boy knee scrape. How silly of me to journal about it, but I'm archiving it anyway so raspberries to all of you who think I'm a goofball!!It's labor day weekend, and we're hanging out at home. Ezra's out of school Monday, Jonathon's off of work, and oddly - so am I (from the work from home job, not the mommy/wife/etc part)... we don't really have plans. If the weather is ok tomorrow we may go up to the lake and feed the ducks and splash around at the water banks. Ezra would be happy just staying home playing with matchbox and hotwheels cars ... he's all about cars right now. Even planning which one he'd like to have when he's a grownup. He agrees that spending more then 20k on a new car is silly.... smart kid so far. I've officially paid all taxes on cars (Mecklenburg County even charges a special 30.00 per vehicle on top of regular county/city taxes), and had registration renewals on cars, and even a state inspection on mine today... which turned out to be an adventure. Since I work for the dealership (have for 7 years now) that's where I go for most things, while there for picking up I had my state inspection and oil changed. I had Jesse w/ me today - Ezra opted to stay home and play. Jesse and I ventured into the showroom where there's a $91.000 Saleen Mustang (yes, seriously) that has a $17,000 paint job - as we were walking (Jesse was walking) Jesse reached and grabbed one of the 'ropes' that was around it... to my dismay the poles the ropes were attached to were NOT attached/bolted into the floor. So the pole came crashing down onto this car, just above the right headlight and put a chip about the size of this: ** on the car. Ok, so this could happen with ANYONE, but it happened with ME!!! Why weren't they bolted down?? Well, all of that was irrelevant at this point, innocent mistake on an 17,000 dollar paint job. The sales manager was very disturbed, and at first thought I was playing a sick joke on him - but I reluctantly told him I was not. I ended up speaking with the owner about it, who eased my tears (yes, I cried - I felt horrible!) and worries by telling me that it could have happened with anyone, even could have been chipped on a test drive. He seemed more understanding then I expected, and made me feel at ease somewhat. But I still feel horrible, I mean - it's just a car - but GEEZ, it's a $91,000 one! Needless to say, after I left, at the end of the day - one of my co-workers called me and told me that they were planning to bolt the poles down - go figure.
