moments

Beneath this headstone is my brother's final resting place. It becomes reality when I type that, when I say that, or even when I grab my phone to call him and realize - I can never do that again. I'm still dealing with my grief - and it's moment to moment. There are happy moments, angry moments, sad moments, and bitter moments. Tearful moments, memorable moments, peaceful moments and some moments that feel as if my heart is being ripped from my very chest because I want nothing more then to hear his voice and hear him say 'love ya' or hear his laughter once more. I'm grateful that I have a voicemail on my phone that I check regularly - there's something almost humbling about hearing it. It still seems unreal to me that nine months ago (tomorrow it will be) a phone call changed our lives. Not even 3 hours prior I had talked with him. The first phone call I received wasn't that he had passed away, it was Renee calling me like she had the prior 3 times he had these allergic reactions - because Mike had told her to always call me, more for her comfort and so she wouldn't feel alone in the situation. We talked, she assumed things would go as they always did and he'd eventually be fine. But that was not the case.
I recently went back through some of our emails to each other - I'm pretty obsessive about saving all emails in individual folders so that I can refer back to them if I forget something. This has been a tremendous help in my grief process. I laugh, I cry and sometimes I do both. My relationship with my brother was unique; sometimes I think we shared too much info after reading the emails! No matter the subject, we talked about it and laughed together. Out of all of the emails my favorites are ones of Mike bragging on his kids. Nicholas and his girlfriends. Haleigh and her ball games. Oh and the swimming pool that he was so proud of but could never seem to keep it from turning the slightest color of green no matter how much he treated the water! That was our last email - he was going to go to 'man chores' and work on the pool on August 6, 2007.
One of the things he and I would talk about was pictures. I take alot, but he didn't. I would always ask for him to send pictures of the kids, of him and Renee, of the house, etc. And eventually he'd send me 2 or 3 here and there. Each time the subject came up, he'd tell me "I don't take alot of pictures, I keep my memories in my mind and in my heart, that's where they're the most real to me. Pictures are nice, but memories are better" He had a special way of handling things, a different approach on raising his kids then most, and a uniqueness about him that I believe can never be found in another person. When ordering the headstone, Renee called me and she and I discussed whether or not to have his photo put on it; and after thinking it over it just didn't seem to fit the way he'd want things. I think the headstone says it all.
Forever on our minds; Always in our hearts.