Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Something Symbolic

I'm not going to mislead anyone, Christmas this year is extremely sad for me and my entire family... I think it's important for anyone who hasn't ever lost a loved one to know that there's really no end to the grieving process; or at least in my perspective, I see no real end to feeling a grief like this. Those who lose loved ones never stop grieving, or grieve less - we just grieve differently. I've been fortunate, I've not had to deal with this type of grief in my life until very recently... sure I've lost grandparents, when I was very young, and I understood how impacting death was in our family just by seeing the sadness of my own parents when their parents died. This does not compare to my own personal sadness now, a brother - in my life for 31 years, someone so important to me that he was the very FIRST person I called, after telling my husband, when we found out I was pregnant while still sitting in the bathroom holding the pregnancy test. This is someone I could share anything with, better then a best friend, because he HAD to love me no matter what, and did. Before he died, I had some kind of assumption that grieving would get 'easier', where on earth did I get that idea? You learn from your own experiences, and since I'd never experienced that kind of grief, I really couldn't relate. I'm trying to accept my grief, and in some weird way it sometimes seems a gift, simply because my hurting and my grieving proves that I was privileged enough to really love this person and was loved back, to really love someone is to know that your heart can be broken - thus the saying 'love hurts' is not necessarily directly applied to husbands/wives, etc. Any love hurts - when it is gone.

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This year, I've bought two little ornaments for our tree - one in memory of Susan my step-mother who battled and fought a brave fight with cancer for 10 months and was taken from this world just 2 years ago. I bought a birdhouse, anyone who knew Susan knew that she LOVED birdhouses! The other ornament is for my brother Mike, who left this world on August 6, 2007. I bought a silver deer to symbolize something that he enjoyed. In the center is a 'peace angel' that I found with a beautiful etching on it. Just something symbolic, something to bring a little smile or spark a memory, something that the kids can be part of...