Thursday, November 22, 2007


Today is Thanksgiving Day. We went to my mom’s, it's something we’ve tried to do yearly as a family. Sometimes we would get together the weekend after Thanksgiving day depending on schedules. Today was awkward, and void of the laughter that we usually share. Sitting at the table, was awkward. Why? Well, because Mike wasn’t there to compliment mom’s turkey, or even carve it for her… which she cried about because carving the turkey was something he took upon himself since she butchered it as he put it! He wasn’t there to reminisce about silly things we did as kids, to share with his own kids parts of our past. Mike’s kids couldn’t come; they were with their mom this year. My brother Chris was there and my family of course, with mom and Jack. The kids had a blast, playing, goofing off, eating mom’s food and having a few of the sweet treats she makes each year. Jesse played picaboo with Chris, and that was so fun to watch. Ezra drew a few pictures for mom’s fridge, taught her about some of his toys… it was nice. But the room wasn’t at all the same…

Who would have ever thought that this would happen? Death has a way of humbling you, making you see every moment for it’s worth. My entire life spent as a minister’s daughter, I’ve seen mounds of death – been to funeral upon funeral upon funeral. I’ve seen babies who’ve died, friends and family. This last 3 years of my life have made me a different person. I’m grateful for how my eye’s have been opened, yet saddened by the means in which they were. It’s fair to say that in the last 3 years alone with Jonathon’s heart attack then surgery, Susan’s death, and now Mike’s death, I feel as if my plate is now full of life altering change. Death is life altering for those of us left to grieve it, it is unavoidable and real. It hurts, deeply to the bone. I’ve obsessed about what if’s since Mike died, what IF he hadn’t have been in the back yard? What if… I know there is no logical reason to sit and do this to myself, but I still do because I’m human.

This post doesn’t have a profound conclusion, it wasn’t meant to. I’m just getting my feelings out. Today was hard. Empty chairs at a table speak volumes when they’re empty because someone is gone. Reality is that as quickly my brother was here then gone, tomorrow just as easily it could be me.

I am thankful for having today.